Dear Face,
As you may have noticed in recent months, your surface has looked a little differently. I apologize for the extra amount of pimples now marring your previously smooth surface. You probably have felt like the Sahara Desert at times. I don't think the moisturizer I bought is working very well. You may have even have felt a little suffocated with the unfamiliar coats of foundation, primer, blush, bronzer, and more. This mysterious substance is called makeup. Yes, after nearly 22 years of blissful face nakedness, I have become somewhat of a makeup guru.
I want you to know that my desire to wear makeup has nothing to do with my feelings toward you. I love you without makeup, and I also love you with makeup. I chose to not wear makeup previously because let's be honest, my abilities were quite lacking. My abilities are still pretty terrible, but this time, I'm not trying to make electric blue eyeshadow and bright pink blush somehow transform us into a Victoria's Secret Model or something.
For years and years growing up, I would look in all the magazines and wish that we could look like that. That I could flawlessly apply my eyeliner and somehow have it make me look like I deserved to be on that cover too. I'm sorry that it took me so long to grow appreciative of you, I had some pretty mean thoughts about you growing up. Well, that's all in the past and don't let my newfound obsession make you think that I've come to love you less. It's just those darn Buzzfeed Ladylike videos that got me hooked on makeup.
I would like to take this time to apologize for some of the mishaps which have occurred. I am sorry for failing to apply liquid eyeliner correctly and I am sorry for letting it seep into an eyeball; that was a horrible burning pain, wasn't it? I am also sorry for buying the wrong shade of foundation and making you turn an unsettling shade of orange. You can imagine how horrified I was to glance in the mirror one day and realize that my face and neck looked like they belonged to two different people. And let's not forget about all of the failed attempts to try contouring. It was like turning you into a paint-by-numbers, only I felt like a five year old could have done a better job than what I did. Gosh, it's a good thing I gave that up.
It's clear to both of us by now that I'm not going to be becoming one of the Instagrammers who post 800 pictures of pristine makeup creations every day. But that last Facebook selfie did get 40 likes now didn't it? So at least I'm not completely mucking the job up. And I can promise you I won't be trying anything with glitter at all. After watching the girls from Buzzfeed lose half of their eyebrow hair, glitter won't be going anywhere near us.
To sum it up, I want you to know that I am going to try and find something to clear that dry patch up on our nose and forehead. Also, I want to thank you for over 20 years of good clean naked skin and promise that the coming years of makeup adventure won't be all bad. Toodaloo, time to go put on a face mask.
Sincerely,
The person who keeps scrubbing lipstick off her teeth
