Hi Daddy,

I miss you so much. I miss you more than my words can ever say, and you probably can tell as you see these tears streaming down my face with every word I write. I miss talking to you, like calling you after physical therapy, and telling you how I have been able to jump again and run again and I miss hearing how proud you were of me for everything I have been through. I miss those random texts during the day just saying "Hi I love you" just so you knew, I knew how much you loved me. I miss whenever we'd get in a fight you'd say, "but Lauren I love you" and I would think how irrelevant that was to our conversation, but I just want to hear that one more time. I miss every time I would leave for school, you would give me the biggest hug, tell me how much you love me, how proud you are of me, and how excited you are to see me again soon. I miss calling you and talking to you about nothing. I want to hear your thoughts on Gronk retiring. I want to know what you think about Ky Bowman entering the draft, or just tell you I saw a picture of Bruce Springsteen hanging in my advisor's office. I wish we watched the Stanley Cup together and I wish you were still teasing Brian about the Warriors losing. I miss you planning to pick me up, just around when you can go to Pino's. I wish I could tell you how much fun I had with my brothers at the Red Sox. It makes me think about all the times you brought me to Fenway, and to Celtics games at the Garden. I want to tell you about all the cheap concert tickets I find, and thank you for always getting me the best concert seats (like that Taylor Swift concert, getting tickets 2 days before the Fearless tour, or when I told you I wanted to see Luke Bryan, and the next day you called me and said you got me tickets.) I miss walking by your room and hearing you watch yourself bowling on Youtube. I wish I actually sat and watched with you all of the times that you asked me to. I wish I went to Babson with you and saw your name hanging in the rafters for scoring 1000 points. I wish we finally went to the Basketball Hall of Fame together.

You were always so proud of me. I just wish I could call you up now and tell you all of the things I have been up to, like work creating the position of "Assistant Camp Director" just for me. I wish you could see how cute Kristin's kids are with me and how Brian loved playing basketball with Dylan.

When I was working a few months ago, I asked one of my first graders, "okay next problem, what's 4+6?" She responded "oh that's friends of 10, easy that's 10!!" I thought of you immediately. I remember working with you day in and day out practicing the friends of 10 and forcing you to give me math problems for fun way back in first grade. I have been watching Beverly Hills 90210 lately and even that reminds me of you. One day Brandon yelled at his sister "you don't have to go away mad, just go away" and I remembered how you would yell that to me after I was being dramatic when you and the boys would be watching a show. I always thought you made that up, but I should have known better.

I miss so much about you dad. It been a day over 4 months, and I have so much trouble thinking about all of the things you're going to miss. I wish you saw Brian and Matthew graduation from high school and college this year. It didn't feel right without you there. Brian played with such strength on his senior night basketball game, and I don't know how he did it. I couldn't even keep myself together and he was able to play an entire basketball game. I wish you saw him in his last game. You have been telling him his entire life he needs to score 80% from the free throw line and he did. You have been telling him that he needs to up fake and drive to the hoop and HE DID. You would have been so proud, like you always are. I wish I could still talk to you about it.

Ever since Flicka came out way back in the day, we found the song we were supposed to dance to on our wedding day-my little girl by Tim McGraw. You used to tell soooo many people about how much you loved that song and how much it made you think of your daughter. That daughter who you would tell, "you know Lauren, I never really wanted a daughter…….but if I had to have one, I am so glad its you." Even though it's so far away, I am already dreading that you won't be there, on what should be the happiest day of my life. Who will dance me with? Who will walk me down the aisle? It's just not fair. You aren't going to be able to yell at my future husband to never hurt your little girl. You aren't going to be able to play tickle monster with my future kids, and make the Donald Duck noise at them. You won't be able to buy them their first basketball and you won't be able to drop there baby dolls, down the wall from the top of the ceiling, like you did to me.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. It feels so wrong that you aren't here to celebrate. I remember two years ago, for Father's Day I got you a Boston College Dad T shirt. You loved it and smiled ear to ear and everywhere you went when you wore it, you would tell EVERYONE how you have a daughter at Boston College and how proud you were of her. Deep down, I know you are proud of me, but I just wish I could hear you say it one more time and give me a big hug.

These past 4 months have been some of the longest of my entire life. The world doesn't stop for anyone and its crazy how life can just go on when something so tragic happens. So many people forget, or they think enough time has passed so we must be okay, must be used to you being gone. Dad, I don't think I could ever get used to you not being here.

As sad as I am to spend my first Father's Day without my dad, I have to think about how happy you probably are, to finally spend your first Father's Day in 19 years with your dad. Dad, I really hope you're up there bowling with Dziadek and I hope Babci is standing right there, watching and writing all the scores down.

I miss you so much Dad. I am never going to stop missing you.

Love your little girl,
Lauren