Hey.

I have missed you quite a lot since the last time I saw you. So much has happened. I graduated high school. I finished my first year of college. I decided what I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, losing you was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. At first, I didn't believe it. I thought there was no way my vibrant and full of life older brother was gone. Then, if we are being completely honest, I was angry. Incredibly angry. How could my big brother just leave? Right now? Right in the moment where I am supposed to take control of my future and decide what kind of man I'm supposed to be. I know it may sound selfish, but I was pissed.

Then the guilt and crushing sadness came in. Actually, no, that is not how grief actually works. Everyone likes to put it in nice, neat and organized lists but in actuality, it's a jumbled mess. It was like all of my emotions got put into one of those really expensive crazy good blenders and then turned it on high. Anger, pain, sadness, guilt - it all blended into a low-fat depressing smoothie. I felt like a terrible little brother. How could I not see the pain you were in? How did I miss it? But with time, I got past those questions and that is not what I wanted this letter to be about.

Actually, I wanted it to be almost the exact opposite. I wanna say something that has taken me over a year to finally accept. Thank you. Honestly, if you had not shown me the danger of holding on to all the hate and hurt from our childhoods then in about five years I think I would have been following you down the same path that led to your passing. You saved my life. You showed me the importance of putting down the bottle and the hurt and the hate and instead hold close those that bring out our best qualities. You gave me a fresh start. You have given me hope. You have done everything a big brother is supposed to do. Thank you for that. Thank you for teaching me. As I go through life I know you will be there with me in every single big moment. At first, it killed me to think you wouldn't witness me getting married or know my first child. Now, due to the hope you have given me, I know you will surround those moments. I can't wait to see you again and tell you all this in person but until then...I love you with all my heart and boy do I hope I make you proud.

I will try every day. I love you and I know that you will be with me through every step on this crazy journey of life. I miss you. Fly high, Bubby.

Your gracious little brother