Dear Brain,
Let me first say that you are truly wonderful. Without you, I would not be able to work toward earning a college degree, laugh until I cry at my favorite Saturday Night Live sketch, eat Ben & Jerry's in bed at midnight or draw bad doodles of cartoon characters in the margins of my notebooks. Thanks to you, my dear Brain, I can breathe, move, think and more. I am eternally grateful for all that you do for me.
That being said, I've been experiencing a few issues lately that I'd like to address. It's midterm season here at my university, and I really need to concentrate, but sometimes I find some of your endeavors a bit distracting. Okay, very distracting.
For example, why did you insist that I Google "how to make mug cakes" last night while I was trying to write a term paper? And, after that, why did you force me to search for images of baby pigs wearing clothes? Although I was not disappointed in the search results, this prevented me from making any progress on my paper, which I regretted when I woke up today to the realization that I still had four more pages to write. You know how much work I have to do, Brain! Why are you trying to distract me? Why do you think that it is imperative for me to know that "Hannah Montana" was almost called "Alexis Texas?" Why do you need to find out that the longest snake that ever existed was 33 feet long? (I had nightmares after learning that, which is also your fault.) What progress can I possibly make in life from watching videos of goats screaming Whitney Houston songs?
And while we're on the subject of pointless things that you do, can we take a moment to talk about the fact that you decide to get random songs stuck in my head at the most inconvenient times? Today at lunch, I was trying to study for my philosophy exam when you suddenly stopped being productive and started singing "A Whole New World" from Disney's "Aladdin" so loudly that I got distracted yet again. You've clearly been wasting precious brain-space storing pointless songs instead of useful, important information. Don't try to deny it! Just know that if I accidentally write "a whole fantastic point of view!" as the answer to one of my test questions, it's your fault.
Look, Brain, I don't mean to sound harsh. You really are the most interesting, complex entity in the whole world, and I am so thankful that you exist. I'm just stressed out because I have so much work to do and you seem to have other priorities. To try and solve this dispute, I want to propose a deal: if you let me finish all of my studying without any more distractions, I will find you as many cat videos as you could ever possibly want. I promise!
I know it's not an easy plea to agree to, so I'll give you some time to think on it. After all, thinking is what you do best. I'll be right here waiting for your answer... as soon I'm done Googling "potatoes with faces." It'll only take two minutes, I swear.
With love,
Me
