Recently, many articles have been buzzing around the social sphere like flies on a pile of cow sh*t.

I’m of course referring to “An open letter to my…”

These open letter articles mainly consist of letters to my little, letter to my big, an open letter to my ex-boyfriend, to my future husband or an open letter to Channing Tatum's index finger.

Regardless of whom they are addressed to, these specific sappy good feel articles have been surging much like my deep hate for Hilary Clinton. As I began to read these heartfelt articles, I pondered, perhaps I should take a break from the Tindering and get down and personal with these open letters.

The problem initially was trying to find someone to write a letter to, mainly because I have no friends. Writing a letter to your “little” as a male can be perceived a bit different than writing one as a female; also the majority of my “little’s” are drunken degenerates and there’s not much content to explore on.

I don’t have a girlfriend, shocker I know, my future wife I assume is probably in prison at the moment with little access to the internet. I would have written an open letter to my mother, but she has informed me she’s stopped reading any and all content I publish for the sake of plausible deniability if someone asks about my articles. She also has asked me to lower her casket at her funeral, just so I can let her down one last time.

As I began to lose hope, I thought of the perfect open letter to write. The only people stupid enough to take the time to read this, my roommates. Most people in college, love their roommates. They spend every waking minute with them, share moments, laugh together and encourage each other when they are down.

Unfortunately for myself, self-esteem and general health, my roommates and I do not engage in these positive vibes most households do. No, instead it is constant chirps, pranks, cut downs, sarcastic remarks and contest of who can make the other person look like an idiot. So here is the heartfelt letter I have addressed to some of the worst people in Fort Myers.

To my dick head roommates,

Hello, it’s me.

Today after much thought, I decided I would write you all a letter to let you know my true feelings about you. This is not your typical letter to Gam Gam thanking her for the 13 dollars on your birthday or the letter from home saying how much mom misses you. No, No this is quite the opposite. This letter is a chance for me to truly express my feelings towards you all. Although I would love to group you all together, I think having a separate segment for all of you is what is truthfully needed. So, let’s start with the easiest person first, Harrison.

Harrison Hall

I started with you first, because you’re just too easy. To the kid I convinced Bradley Cooper was married to Neil Patrick Harris; you are by far the most guidable of the household. In spite of being the most Gullible, you also hold the reigning title of “household bitch.” Though you may not hear us call you this, we do when you are not around. Meet Harrison Hall aka “The Boner champ.” For those of you, who have never seen Harrison, imagine Keana Reeves. Now imagine Keana Reeves with a dad body. You know have an exact portrayal of Harrison. If you’re reading this Harrison, There are many things I would like to thank you for.

1. Thank you for constantly reminding me that you’re played Division 3 baseball in the cotton fields of North Carolina. It really does me get through my day knowing you accomplished this.
2. Thank you for drunkenly eating all of the food in the house. Watching you eat food is comparable to watching a drunken Sasquatch attack a tribe of boy scouts. You truly are a monster.
3. Thank you for playing your Snapchat videos full blast when I am watching an intense, dialogue based movie. I too agree that the background of Keys Bar on a Monday night sounds better than a Leonardo attempting to win his first Oscar.
4. Lastly, thank you for providing the majority of the humor for the house. Not saying you are humorous in any way, but the majority of the time you are the butt end of the joke due to your gullibility and ability to believe things that are so farfetched. Now for the apologies: Sorry I have put your dog Kona on craigslist for free this past week, and sorry for using your razor to shave my entire body so smooth I resemble a porpoise. You truly amaze me sometimes. Keep going strong kid. In the words of Jay- Z, On to the next one.

Steve Brown

Steve Brown aka DJ Khaled, the DJ of Fort Myers! You’ve probably met Steve before or gazed upon him and his throne he calls the Keys Bar stage. From a distance, you can see him popping bottles of 3 dollar champagne on stage while playing his pink iPod all night with some Dre beats. That’s right I’m talking about DJ SBK! Home and savior to all the Cape Coral rats, Steve is the local hero and the legend. Though you are smarter than the roommate mentioned above, you still at times are the butt end of the joke.

1. Thank you for blasting your Pre Keys Bar beats throughout the house. You’re right; I’d rather have my ears bleed while doing homework, rather only to hear it later at 1 A.M. outside of Keys Bar.
2. Thank you for documenting my life on your Snapchat and vicariously living through me. I know my life is far more interesting than the DJ game.
3. Thank you for turning our house into a chimney while you rip your camel crushes or “Yolo sticks.” I as well think the smell of toxic smoke adds to the décor and scent of the house. Stephen, your life isn’t as miserable as Harrison’s, but you’re pretty damn close. Shape up, kid.

Connor Jones

Oh boy, where do I even begin with this sack of shit? You know that guy who greedily collects all your money on Thursday night? The guy who resembles a cross between Éllen DeGeneres and Brendon Frasier? Yeah, that is "the Connor Jones". Known for his phemonistic features, unsuccessful Tinder lines and the body features of a 12-year-old boy struggling with puberty, Connor is most known for being the king of all creeps. Out of the two previous roommates, this is the biggest pot stirrer of them all.

1. Thank you for agreeing to live in my shadow for the past four years. I know it’s tough when I outshine you at everything we do, but thanks for always being a close second.
2. Thank you for consistently walking around the house naked every day. Much like seeing your 12-year-old baby face every day, it’s great seeing your 12-year-old baby sized ding dong as well.
3. Thank you for dressing like a thug every day. I love seeing your Mac Miller Jersey, Sean John shorts and Phat Farms to follow. Every day I almost forget you’re not a 170-pound white boy from PA, but you’re actually straight out of Compton. Apologies.

4.Thank you for being you. Yes, thank you for being yourself. When we are out in public, at home or just anywhere, I feel better about myself in every aspect. Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll just walk into your lair and stare at you for a few seconds. Suddenly my mood is better because I think to myself, it could be worse, much worse.

5. Thank you for giving me your blessing in the future when I become your brother in law and wed one of your sisters. It means a lot, man.

Kona

The last roommate and most certainly the worst of the bunch, Kona the 35-year-old virgin. Although Kona technically isn’t human, he acts like the head of the house and always questions my authority. Kona is the spawn of Harrison Hall and serves as the dirty old mutt of the house. For starters, Harrison never taught Kona how to read, speak or write, so the odds are already stacked against him. I’m not exactly sure what breed mix he is, but if I had to guess it would be a mix of unwanted and climetia.

1. Thank you Kona for getting slimy red rockets while laying on me due to you’re built up sexual tension.Though I am flattered, I am sorry I have to decline your grand gesture.
2. Thank you for taking poops the size of a prehistoric Dinosaur in the backyard. I am both shocked and disgusted something so large comes out of that undernourished body of yours.
3. Lastly Kona, I apologize. For the past week another roommate who shall remain nameless, Connor, and I have been conspiring against you. I have put you on craigslist for free, left the gate open hoping you will run free and have been slowly framing you and turning your owner against you. Okay well maybe Kona really isn’t the worst, but it adds to the letter.

Well, roommates, I hope you find this letter well. I’m sure you four could all conspire against me and come up with something pages longer about me, but knowing your laziness and lack of creativity, you won’t.

Many of you reading this may be thinking, “How could someone be so mean to their roommates?”

Although these may be sarcastic jabs at my roommates, this is how our relationship is. If anything, this letter through all the bullshit basically says, I love you roommates.

Here’s to the rest of the year you savages and the F shack.