Dear Anti-Christ,

Hey, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s hard to think that it’s been years since I’ve been freed from your manipulative traps and coercions. Once I was free from your presence in school when you went off to college, I finally realized how blessed I was to be rid of you. My choir teacher told us a story my junior year about an awful ex-boyfriend who she called, her “Anti-Christ." This man was manipulative and vindictive, someone who never deserved the heart of this wonderful, successful woman I saw before me. In awe, I listened to her tell us of his antics and the times he made her feel worthless and alone and all I thought about was you. Isolating her from her family, cheating, lying, never considering her needs, using her for her body, it all brought me back to you.

I was 14 years old, and you were 17. You had no business trying to flirt with me and trying to make me like you. You were in a seemingly happy relationship. You had no business making your advances toward me. You knew what you were getting yourself into and you marched into this with my heart on your chain and my limbs in shackles as a slave to you. You lied, cheated, and hurt me and your girlfriend. You made us hate each other. You made us think the other was the bad guy when in fact the bad guy was the boy whispering sweet things in our ears. You made me a mistress and you made me a cheater. I remember all the times I snuck out of class for those make-out sessions that you said were fine because you were “unhappy” in your relationship. And the crazy thing is, you made me believe that that was completely valid and okay. You warped my mind and tricked me into thinking cheating with me was perfectly fine, because you weren’t happy with her. You only wanted action. You only desired my body and you stole my safety, my innocence, and my trust. You knocked me down a peg and then had the audacity to ask why I slouched, and why I was so small. I still feel your hands touching me, and your words piercing my heart and I am grieving for my younger self who thought you would chose me if I let you have your way. That is not what love is like, and you only knew how to love yourself in the most selfish and inconsiderate ways.

Worst of all you had the audacity to fall in love with me and I with you, and you constantly tossed me aside. You told me you loved us both the same, your heart was “equally split” and you “can’t choose between us." You made me believe that love was supposed to be like this, that love meant hurting and it was hard and secretive. You hid me like a dirty little secret and you were ashamed of me. I am not a dirty secret, I am a truth you shout from the roof tops and mountains. I am a treasure and I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being shown off and being proud of. I AM WORTHY. For so long you blindsided me and made me believe I was something to be ashamed of and that I was unworthy of love without pain. I am worthy of a breakup that is more than just being ignored until you find a new girl. I remember one day being told that you were in love with me, and the next seeing you loving someone else. I deserved more than that. I deserved more than a half effort breakup.

Fast forward 5 years later, I have never been happier than I am without you. At 19 I am free from your shackles and released from your bondage, I am no longer your victim. I'm a completely different person than the little girl you once preyed on. I have realized that I too, like my choir director, am a wonderful, successful woman who deserved more than you ever offered me. One day when I tell this story, I hope my audience has the same mindset as I do now. I hope one day we both find peace with each other, and I pray you treat your new girlfriend with all the kindness and love that you never gave me. I pray she never makes you feel like anything less than you are and that you are blessed not knowing the feeling you gave me. I hope one day I won’t feel like I need to be shown off 24/7 to assure myself that I am not a dirty sin or secret. Here’s to you, Anti-Christ. I hope one day you will no longer be that.