For anyone who’s had to watch their TV heroes die,

Movies and shows have long held audiences spellbound as we get caught up in the storyline, in the characters, and in that world. People find escape in them. People find familiarity in them. It’s often comforting to find a part of yourself in your favorite show just because it makes you feel normal. And don’t lie--everyone feels like an outcast or a weirdo at some point in their lives. But then you see your determination in that girl’s eyes as she takes down the school bully. Or felt the same anxiety as the man who’s running after the love of his life. You’ve laughed at the same jokes together and disliked the same characters.

And most importantly, you’ve seen the struggles and the grief you’ve experienced in your life reflected onscreen, even if the situations aren’t always exactly the same as those depicted. Pain is pain, after all. There is no way to measure it or compare it. We’ve grieved over character deaths just as much as the other characters on the show. Because we connected to them and losing them was just as real as if we had lost them in real life. They were real to us. They will always be real to us. Decades down the line, my grandmother can still remember how devastated she was when Bambi’s mother got shot. She almost left the movie theater when it first came out. Sometimes she even tears up over it when we see it again on TV. (Oma, I promise I'll never laugh at you ever again for it.)

Just like her, I’m going to remember how I felt on March 10, 2016, for the rest of my life. I’m going to remember the happiness I felt and how it was so suddenly ripped out from under me. I’m going to remember laying on the carpet in front of the TV and staring up at the ceiling with tears in my eyes. I’m going to remember my sister’s concern; she didn’t even watch the show and even she was shocked by what she had witnessed. Yeah, I’ll always remember the death of Commander Lexa on CW’s The 100.

I’m not going to talk about bad directors or queer death tropes or actor contracts (even though there is SO much I want to scream about. Check out the viral video that explains it best). Because those are all things out of my control at the moment and nothing can be done to take back what I’m feeling now, even two weeks later. Instead, I’m just going to talk about how I feel. I’m not angry like I was on that Thursday night, I’m just tired. I’m so emotionally drained, more so than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I understand that having plot twists and being edgy is something shows have to do to keep viewers, but I just wish it didn’t have to come at the expense of such a great character.

So let me tell you who Heda was to me. She was a girl just like me. She worked hard her entire life to get to the position of power she was in, and she was not going to let anybody take it from her. Just like how I’ve worked my entire life to get the good grades and the scholarships and the degrees. I wouldn’t let anybody take those from me either. She was a person who had loved someone so fiercely that when she lost them, she decided to harden her heart in order to protect herself. And in her eyes I saw those of a younger me, watching her mother walk away and promising never to trust blindly anyone ever again.

She valued friendships and mentors, but she learned that sometimes even those who care about us can hurt us dearly. That reminds me a lot of my high school days when one sentence heard out of context sent friendships de-railing more often than not. I’m sure many of you can relate. Still, she was loyal to the people she was entrusted with, even if it meant betraying the one person she had entrusted her heart to. I know I’ve never been much good at following my head over my heart, so the pain she must have felt doing that is something I can’t even imagine, yet I still feel empathy for.

She was a girl just like me. And despite all her wonderful flaws that made her so very human, she shouldered the responsibilities of a god. Until someone saw the girl lurking underneath the armor. And when she opened her heart to Clarke Griffin, I was so proud of her. She had done the hardest thing for anyone with trust issues, for anyone who has been hurt by another person before–she let someone see her at her most vulnerable. I cheered when Clarke finally saw Lexa for the woman she really was. My poor sister had to put up with all my gushing.

And then with a stray bullet shot by her most trusted adviser, her happiness, and the happiness of the thousands of other viewers who looked up to her, was shattered. I watched my hero’s eyes widen in confusion and horror as she looked down at her wound, and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to watch someone I love die right in front of me like Clarke had to. I closed my eyes and listened to the goodbyes and I felt. Is this how people reacted when Superman was killed by Doomsday in the 1992 comic? If it is, I am no longer jealous of not having been around to buy a first edition.

Lexa made me believe that I could be myself and still be successful in this world, and her death doesn’t change that belief. It actually just makes me more resolute in proving myself to everyone. I can be like both Lexa the Commander and Lexa the girl. I can be both strong and compassionate, both wise and curious, both cautious and loving. I know I’ll see her again in the hearts and minds of so many of the ones she’s inspired. Heroes may die, but their stories live on forever. And I know Heda will live on forever through her dedicated fans, and no director can take that away.

May we meet again.

In solidarity with anyone who’s felt this way about a character’s death,

Jess Kraker

P.S. Kudos to Alycia Debnam-Carey for her wonderful portrayal of my hero.