What comes to mind when you think of Falmouth? Maybe beaches, Nobska, house parties, traffic, Seafood Sams, Smitty’s, Woods Hole, long weekends or Fourth of July Fireworks at the Heights. But I think it's time to talk about the elephant in the room: the amount of cyclists clogging the street. They’re everywhere like some sort of pervasive disease. As a tourist to Cape Cod, perhaps these bikers don’t bother you all that much, but as a local, they drive me crazy because they all act the same.

For starters, you think “Share the Road” signs means you are entitled to half the road. Since the sidewalk is technically for “pedestrians,” Falmouth has put up a bunch of “Share the Road” signs so everyone knows what’s what. But what these signs fail to convey to the tourist biker community is their side of the road is just that. The side of the road.

“The Side of the Road” (n): the area of space provided between the curb and the painted white line which separates you from the people who are late for work.

You are not entitled to half the road and you are most certainly not entitled to your own lane on exit ramps. If that’s not enough space for you, ride the sidewalk until a wild pedestrian appears, hop the curb back onto the side of the road, then when they pass, return to the sidewalk. Or better yet, if you like biking, go on the critically acclaimed Sea to Shining Sea Bike Path which was literally built just for you using our tax dollars. You can go as fast or slow as you want and take up as much space as your heart desires while passing the most scenic parts of Falmouth and the best eateries around.

Oh cyclists. I don’t think I’d have as much of a problem with you if you were actually trying to get somewhere. For example, you can tell when someone on a bike in New York has somewhere to be. But if you’re riding a bike in Falmouth, it’s for fun. You aren’t trying to get anywhere. Things are too spread out to bike anywhere in an expedient manner. You may have a destination in mind, but you aren’t trying to get anywhere.

And that’s fine, that’s what playing the tourist is all about. But please, for your safety and my sanity, don’t form some long column two thick, with your head in the clouds and your fate in my hands. People driving have somewhere to be, especially if they’re on a road like 28, and chances are, they were supposed to be there 5 minutes ago. Route 28 is not scenic, it’s not quaint, it’s the fastest way to get from A-B (as long as it's not The Fourth or Road Race Weekend). If you are on a bike for fun, go somewhere fun. No one has fun on 28, I can promise you that. So please, don’t push the envelope. There are much better ways to die.