Dear Bacon,

This has been a bad week for you, and for that I am sorry. BUT, I believe you owe us an apology, too. The secret you have been hiding from us for years is unforgivable.

CANCER? REALLY, BACON? That's what you're giving us? We all know you give us pure joy and satisfaction when consuming you. But, now we are going to get cancer, too?

I had faith in you, and all you have done is let me down. There are those moments in my life when I get the most perfectly crispy strip of bacon, and I think to myself, "The world is going to be okay. Things are going to work out for me."

They are putting you in a category with asbestos and cigarettes, bacon. You are the only meat that can fluidly move through three different meals. I mean, honestly, you can be eaten at any time of the day. Heck, you can even be eaten for dessert.

It is not just you I'm mad at. I'm talking to you too, hotdogs. A new study found human DNA in you. HUMAN DNA?! You're making it really, really hard for me to be your friend right now.

The more I talk about it, the more disgusted I get. And then I think about my life without you. Would it be a life at all? I really don't think America can live without you.

A lettuce and tomato sandwich sounds horrible. A football game without a stadium dog? I THINK NOT.

I guess if you think about it, cannibalism has been around since the dawn of time (please just agree with me here). So, if I am eating 2 percent of human DNA like recent reports state, it is not like I'm eating an ENTIRE human, right?

You have been good to me over the years, so now I am going to pay it forward. I am going to take these recent reports as a "light suggestion."

I'll reduce my intake of bacon and processed meats. I'll put the filet mignon down. But, I will not go gently into that good night.

I won't give up on you, bacon and stadium dogs. I won't rest until we can eat clean processed meats. I WILL NOT FORGET ABOUT YOU. But, please stop filling my body with carcinogens.

If we can make these promises to each other, we will make the world a better place.

Forever Yours,

America