When I was 10 years old, I saw myself growing up and going to college to be a marine biologist. I thought I was going to have a car by the time I was 16, be fully independent by the time I was 18, and have a nice job that could pay for anything and everything I might want. I was going to be happy, with a family of my own, a husband or wife that loved me, and some pets. I looked forward. I believed.
When I was 13, the only change was realizing that instead of becoming a general marine biologist, I wanted to be a shark specialist. I wanted to tag sharks, track, and study them. At 13, I wanted to study the misunderstood. I looked forward. I believed.
When I was 15, I looked forward to going to UNCW, a college far from home, to become a shark specialist. And getting my car next year. I looked forward. I believed.
When I was 16, I realized not everyone gets a car at 16. I looked forward. I believed.
When I was 17, I came to the conclusion that studying sharks wasn’t going to happen for me. UNCW was too far and I couldn’t afford out of state tuition. I still didn’t have a car. I decided to go to college at EKU for forensic science. I found out that your first love isn’t always the person you’re meant to be with for the rest of your life. I wished I was 18. I looked forward. I believed.
When I turned 18, everything changed. There were so many things I could do now. If I wanted. I could buy a pack of cigarettes. I could get into a hookah bar. I could be myself. I didn’t have to ask permission to do things anymore. I was an adult. I wasn’t a child anymore. When I was 18, I got my first job. I got my car, but couldn’t afford car insurance. I graduated high school. I found out that your second love isn’t always the person you’re meant to be with for the rest of your life, especially if he isn’t willing to travel 30 miles to come see you every now and then. I moved into my dorm room at EKU, as a computer forensics and security major. I look forward. I believe.
Now I realize that faith in myself and God is all I have. I know that not everything will work out the way you want it to. I realize that throughout your life there are good things and there are bad things. More importantly, I know now more than ever that if you stop believing, things will never improve for you. These things that I have listed are only minor bullet points in my life. Things change from the time you’re a kid to the time you’re legally an adult. Nothing ever stays the same. No matter what happens, you can’t let life take your hope away from you. Always look forward, never back. You have to learn that God knows what’s best for you. You have to trust that He has a reason for everything. At the end of the day, the only people who never leave you are yourself, your mother, and God. Believe that until the day you die.
Be patient. You have to remember that good things come to those who wait. I’m still waiting to afford car insurance. I’m still waiting to have my degree and have a career that I love. I’m still waiting to find someone who is willing to love me the way I will love them. People come into your life. They stay a while. They influence you. They leave.
Yes, some days it feels like the world is coming to an end and things will never get better. Sometimes it feels like it’s you against the world. Sometimes it feels like your life will never get better. Sometimes all you can do is worry about the things you don’t have. Sometimes you feel the need to question everything: Am I in the right place? Is this what I’m meant to be doing? Is this who I’m meant to be? Am I happy with my life? Where do I go from here? What if I can’t find my way?
And on those days, sit down. Think about your life. Think about how far you’ve come. Think about the journey: the bumps in the road, the curves, the hills. Think about the stop signs and green lights. But most importantly, think about the destination and keep driving. Keep God in your gas tank as your fuel, you’ll never be empty. Keep a backup plan as a spare tire. Look forward. Drive.
And if you feel like you don’t know where you’re going, that’s when you pull over, open your bible, and pray. Look forward. Believe.
