Dear Stepmothers of the World,

I don’t begin to know what it feels like to leap into an already formed, tight knit family as the extra piece; the one whose place in the family is not pre-formed; a place in the family you have to work so hard for. I don’t know what it’s like to be the only member of the family who doesn’t get a giant hug or an “I love you” before bed.

What I do know is the transition from one big family to two big, two very separate families, and that this transition strains everyone involved. So although I approach this letter from the perspective of merely one person in this very broken puzzle, I do put much effort into understanding the discomfort that everyone feels in this emphatic leap into a new life.

I realize that I address this letter strictly to stepmothers. I do not do so because I see the ramifications of step-mothering as being all that different from other sorts of step-parenting. I address this letter to stepmothers with the understanding that in this patriarchal, gender stereotype conforming world, we hold women to certain expectations that seem to create a particularly challenging environment for step-mothering.

The gender norm related obligations that a mother in a heterosexual marriage is expected to adhere to (bearing the ultimate burden of child care, being the sole or primary nurturing figure, making and maintaining a presentable and well behaved family and household, making and enforcing rules that continue to help the family conform to societal norms) contrast entirely with the needs that the average step-child has within their step-mom, step-child relationship.

Because the only gender norms our society has created around mothering work to maintain a relationship of the mother having absolute dominance over the children in order to create a respectable rule-oriented family, the inevitable stepmother archetype is quite evil since no step-child wishes to be the object of such subordination from someone they see as an outsider or who is still being integrated into the family. Throw into the equation the jealousy and manipulative qualities women of our society are brought up to claim within their identity, and the result is a perfect opportunity for family failure.

So to any and every stepmother, here is my advice for how to outsmart the trap that our maze of societal gender expectations has created for you.

Begin with respect. This is pretty kindergarten level advice, but the golden rule is really about the best advice there is. Remember that your step-children have or have had a mom. You cannot possibly replace their mom, so don’t try. Instead, as uncomfortable and awful as it might feel, work to create a dialogue with their mother (assuming that the mother is in the picture but not the step-mother's new wife). Give the mother some respect and understanding regardless of what your spouse has said about her. She is half the reason these step-children exist, and she deserves a hefty parenting conversation.

Remember past relationships. If you’re a step-mother marrying these children’s father, don’t forget that the step-children probably enjoyed a relationship with their father previous to your arrival, or perhaps they didn’t. Often times, a girl’s relationship with her father fades as she develops into a mini-young-woman. This is an important time to help facilitate or encourage a relationship between the two. Your place in the family will come with more ease if these one-on-one relationships exist for your step-children to feel safety and comfort in this new family.

Don’t make too many rules. Remember that some form of this family was there before your arrival, and not one of you will benefit from an entire upheaval of the preexisting way of life. Inquire as to what rules the family lived by before. Make it a family discussion. There’s a difference between making rules that protect your comfort within this new family (quiet hours so that you can sleep) and making rules in order to establish your power (no step-children to hangout with friends who are girls at night). Of course, it is much more complicated, but that’s why open dialogues become a necessity.

Find solace. When navigating the weirdness that is this patchwork quilt of family, find ways to comfort yourself and escape. If feeling excluded or rejected, find solace in the love of your spouse. (And remember to give yourself some self love too.)