There are days where you mess up a lot. When you make mistake after mistake. And you beat yourself up over and over and get angry at yourself. Whether it's for something like messing up that calc problem on your last exam or for doing or saying something you regret as soon as it's happened, you are constantly being down on yourself. And that's just really, really sad.
You are a good person. I genuinely believe that. Even as you struggle, you try to help others. You are (most of the time) so forgiving. So why can't you forgive yourself? Stop selling yourself short. I'm tired of wondering "what if" when it comes to not giving things 100 percent. Not giving something your all so that you have an excuse to fall back on if you "fail" just doesn't give you a chance to succeed. No one, except you, is judging you for perceived failure. As much as it has sucked to give it everything and have it not be enough, at least you know.
You can't control everything. Life is funny that way. You make a plan, and then it changes, and that's life. There's, like, this intense fear that you are losing control over everything if you don't know what's happening next. Whether it's tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year, you don't need to have every second of your life planned out. You need to learn to deal with things as they come; life is unpredictable. Remember that worrying about the future is about as futile as trying to solve a math problem by chewing bubble gum. You will never be able to plan everything out in advance, and it's time to trust yourself to be able to handle unplanned events.
Life is not fair. But, as much as it sometimes feels otherwise, you deserve a good life. A good life does not include constant calorie worries or crying in fitting rooms because of the size of your jeans. A good life includes hot chocolate and fuzzy socks and laughter and friendship and moscato and pumpkin flavored everything and singing (read: shouting) along to music in the car with the windows rolled down and smiling and crying for loss and joy and accepting who you are.
There's a Lisa Wingate quote you heard once, "Fear builds walls instead of bridges. I want a life of bridges, not walls." You can live a life of safely refusing to step outside your comfort zone and going with your plans and Excel spreadsheets, but that only puts up walls between yourself and those who you love. The best times you've had and will have in life are the spontaneous moments when you take a chance. Sometimes, yes, you will fall. But sometimes you will soar. Build a life of bridges. Make mistakes and make discoveries and give yourself permission to fail. Because when you give yourself permission to fail, you give yourself the chance to succeed.
