“Everything happens for a reason" is a phrase that I have full-heartedly believed in my entire life.
No one comes into your life by accident. There is always a reason and purpose for someone being part of your life.
God brings us closer to certain people because these are the people we need in our lives right now. These are the people who will either teach us important lessons about life or about ourselves. God sends us the people we need at exactly the right time. He gives us the answers we were looking for through these people. He enlightens us by bringing us closer to people who bring out the best in us. He helps us when we're struggling by pulling us closer to those who are capable of digging us out of our darkness.
It's just that sometimes we try to turn these temporary people into forever people but that's not their role. They're not meant to stay in our lives forever. God called them to be there for us for only a short period of time.
After all this time, I no longer ask myself why, because I know why. I know exactly why. I am writing this letter because I forgive you.
Sure, there were moments where I was so angry at you for hurting me the way you did completely carelessly. But I'm smarter than that. I knew that the only way I could begin to let you go, and to move on with my life was for me to forgive you even though you weren't sorry. In the end, you were not a mistake. You were a lesson well learned, and I am so thankful that I learned, even if it took a little bit of heartbreak to get me there. Life itself is a learning process. We make mistakes, we learn. I learned from you. I learned the hard way, but I learned. And, never again will I blame myself for the way you treated me. I know now that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. I have some good memories with you and I choose to remember you that way, just like I chose to forgive you.
The moment I fell for you was the greatest, yet scariest. You captivated me. You stimulated me. You completely inspired me, bringing me to a level of mental satisfaction that I have never felt. You were fun, intriguing, and mysterious, and I ate it up. I needed to figure you out. There were so many warning signs. Everyone was telling me to be careful, that I should run away. But did I? Nope. Maybe I thought I could fix you. I don't really know what I was thinking. You're so far gone that I don't think you'll ever change. You tore down my walls and I let you in. We are both imperfect, we both have our faults, but that wasn't why I left. I left not because I hated you, or because I did not love you anymore, but because of how our relationship was at that time, and most importantly because I was scared of you. You made me feel completely worthless. You chose to hurt me with your words, with your actions. You emotionally ruined me. You destroyed me. I was always wrong. It was always me. I became depressed. It was not the same me anymore, smiling, cheerful, bright, always motivated and in high spirits. Feeling hopeless. Hopeless about myself, hopeless about the world, and hopeless about my life.
But, I don't hate you. I can't hate you. I will forever be thankful for the relationship we had and the things I learned. I hope you learned, too. I hope that you can look back and see things about us that make you smile, that remind you how much fun it was.
Even though we're not together anymore, the experiences we gave each other were unique and cannot be replaced. They are memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. I sometimes look back and get sad because I miss them. I hope you still remember the amazing memories we made. Thank you for being somebody who never failed to give me butterflies. It's been a very long time, which I'm sure you're aware of. As we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are. We no longer get to talk and ask how each others day went everyday, but that doesn't mean I don't still wonder how you are doing, how things are going, how life is treating you, if you are doing the things that you love, and most importantly if you are happy. I hope you're living life the way you wanted to.
Thank you for letting me discover myself. Through our relationship, I was able to discover so much about the person I am and the person I want to be. Setting my own goals and achieving them one by one. I am thankful that I had the chance to gain so much knowledge about where I wanted my life to go. I'm slowly learning that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea and I won't be able to get everyone to treat me the way I want to be treated and that's okay. I'm slowly learning that trying so hard to 'win' anyone is just a waste of time and energy and it fills you with nothing but emptiness. I'm slowly learning that not reacting doesn't mean I'm okay with things, it just means I'm choosing to rise above it. I'm choosing to take the lesson it has served and learn from it. I'm choosing to be the bigger person. I'm choosing my peace of mind because that's what I truly need. I don't need more drama. I don't need people making me feel like I'm not good enough. I don't need fights and arguments and fake connections. I'm slowly learning that sometimes not saying anything at all says everything. I'm slowly learning that even if I react, it won't change anything, it won't make people suddenly love and respect me, it won't magically change their minds. Sometimes it's better to just let things be, let people go, don't fight for closure, don't ask for explanations, don't chase answers and don't expect people to understand where you're coming from.
Thank you for all the pain,for making me feel worthless, and for crushing my ego. You made me strong, you made me explore my true potential, and you made me more determined to become successful.
I wish you could see me now. I know it sounds silly, but I wish you could look at the progress I've made in my life and the adult that I'm becoming. You'll be proud of me, for sure. I sometimes find myself wondering why we couldn't stay in touch. I don't want you back, but I want to be able to talk to you. Does that make me weird? But then again, maybe you are right. Maybe we are better off as far apart as possible. So all that I can do is wish you all the best, and although you will never read this, although we will never speak to each other again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish you nothing short of happiness!
J♡
