Today, over 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50%. Half of all people who fall in love and commit their lives to one another, decide to break that promise they made the day they said "I do." I'll give you a little time to let that sink in.
Am I the only one who has an extremely unsettling feeling in their stomach when considering that statistic?
I grew up in a sweet little white house on Somerset Drive, a beautiful magnolia tree in the backyard, with my three siblings, mom and dad. It sounds pleasant, doesn't it? I regret to inform you that it was far from pleasant. You see, so many things seem so beautiful on paper, but when you dive below the surface, you recognize the tangled mess of roots that lie below that very magnolia tree that bloomed in our backyard. You realize how complicated it is to make something appear beautiful, and I wondered if my parents would ever get it right. Well they never quite did. But nearly 22 years of my life filled with an unhealthy home life, prior to my parents divorce, had me questioning if I really knew what I was looking for in terms of love.
I like to call myself the product of an unhealthy love story. My parents, each incredible people in their own ways, simply were not as committed to one another as I feel any couple should be when they decide to marry, not to mention bring children into this world. You see, I can't quite tell you where they went wrong. What I can tell you is they both came from very different backgrounds. My dad grew up with divorced parents and four older siblings, and my mom grew up as the oldest of three with their fair share of family problems too, but my grandparents managed to stick it out for the last 53 years.
Where did my family fall? Somewhere in between. As long as I can remember, arguing has filled my ears and outweighed any positive memory from my childhood. When I think back, I have a harder time remembering the days where we would skip through the sprinkler in the front yard with smiles on our faces than I do remembering the days my siblings and I would sit on the stairs that led to our second story bedroom and listen to my parents yell about finances, how to raise us, and a million other stupid little things that seemed to fill any peaceful silence that might have crept in during an argument.
My older sister had it the worst. And it hurts me to come to the realization that our friendship is based off the mutual understanding of the hardships we endured growing up in a broken household. She was the oldest when the arguments got worse, and she was best able to understand everything that was happening. It didn't take long for us all to "get it" though. I mean, the arguments lasted for almost 24 years. We all grew up with this skewed idea of what "love" looked like, and I saw it start to translate to every relationship I ever had. As a beautiful singer/songwriter, Kelsea Ballerini, referred to it "hand-me-down words" began to poison my lips. When I would try to bite my tongue, I recognized the horrible trait I inherited of my parents that had a difficult time giving up the fight. I saw the same scene in my head that I used to hide from as a kid each time I disagreed with the man I loved at the time.
Growing up, not everyday was this huge, horrible scene though. Many days communication didn't even happen, and I was left questioning the validity of the love my existence was based on. Backhanded comments were thrown around like confetti. Manipulation was an unforgiving ghost that haunted my entire childhood. Who's side was I on? I often learned more when I invested in the silence, at a very young age too.
What I learned is something that has influenced my view on relationships of all types. You have to know who you are. You have to know what you believe in. You have to have a solid foundation of morals and beliefs and non-negotiable qualities you look for in the people you allow in your life. It is your job, and your job only to find yourself before you can allow others in, in a healthy way and the time to begin finding yourself is now.
I've never had kids of my own, but I really believe that it is a learning experience. The one thing, in my opinion, you shouldn't be learning during this time, though, is who you are. You might learn things that test your limits, things that open your eyes, and your perspective might change, but finding who you are should come before you begin having children.
I believe it's my calling in life to become a mother one day. It's something I long for more than anything in this world. My perspective is that motherhood is such a beautiful gift. Being a parent means that you get to love this little human with everything you've got. You get to teach it everything you know about this crazy life. You have the opportunity to mold their view of this world. You get to show them right and wrong and how every decision they make affects every aspect of their life, and the lives surrounding them, thereafter. If you don't know what you stand for, you cause this precious, beautiful being that you brought to life so much confusion.
And if you are the product of an unfortunate love story too, you don't have to let the pattern continue. Despite the difficulty that comes with trying to break a habit, you are capable. I encourage you to listen to a beautiful song by Kelsea Ballerini that was introduced to me by my big sister called "Secondhand Smoke". There is a so much beauty in the words she sings, and the comfort in knowing you aren't the only one who has experienced this type of pain. In fact, that's the reason I'm writing to all of you today. This is an intimate letter for anyone who has recognized an evil pattern of bitterness in every relationship they have ever had or witnessed.
"Am I the product of a problem that I couldn't change? Got his eyes, got her hair, so do I get their mistakes? And I know you can't walk across a bridge that's already burned, so what am I supposed to do? I can't help that they chose to breathe it in, but I don't want to choke on that secondhand smoke." (Secondhand Smoke- Kelsea Ballerini)
You are not a slave to an emotionally crippling destiny of finding and losing love. You do not need to settle for "good enough" in a relationship because "good enough" will result in a contribution to the scary statistic at the beginning of this article. Find yourself then find love. Come to terms with your past. Do not overanalyze it because it will tear you apart. Accept it for what it is, and commit to changing the negative pattern that you might very well pass down to the next generation if you don't make a change.
Do it for yourself and your past that you endured and grew from. Do it for your parents so that they are proud of you. Do it for your siblings who suffered with you. Do it for the soulmate you have been destined to find so that your relationship can be a healthy one. Most importantly do it for your future children that you refuse to cripple by an unhealthy love.