During English class at my Catholic high school, my teacher told us to look up our zodiac signs and write about whether we believed them to be true for us. I googled "Aquarius" and read about what the sun determined me to be: Witty, independent, spontaneous, lover of big ideas. I agreed with that description of me, even though I couldn’t understand it. Astrology, looking to the stars and translating their motions into the personality traits of those born on certain days seemed like a religion and a science. Belief in the sign made it true and I believed.
I also believed in Jesus, someone or something or some force that kept my world mostly beautiful or reminded me that even when everything seemed terribly frustrating, being alive was amazing. In Catholic school, I could question my zodiac sign but I couldn’t question Jesus, abortion or why some of my teachers got fired for wanting to marry someone they loved. I believed that I couldn’t question these things, so I didn’t. It was easier to believe what my Religion teachers said, what the priests said, because in not speculating, I was congratulated. I was welcomed into the group, the group being my entire school community, so I followed.
At Smith, my very liberal college, I finally questioned what I was told to believe during 14 years of Catholic schooling. I don’t know if I questioned because I was separated from my old Catholic group, giving me freedom to make my own decisions, or if I was questioning to conform once again to the views of the people around me, views very different from the ones cherished in Catholic school. I stopped going to Church. I didn’t like having a priest tell me what to think when, as a woman, I would never have the power to preach to others in that way. I could never make important decisions about what Catholics believed, what Jesus’ message really meant. My gender gave me no mobility in this hierarchy. I saw glaring injustices in my religion, so I rejected it. But I could never fully reject it, even when I wasn’t going to Church. It was too ingrained in me. Catholicism was familial. It was all the soul of my family. It was the heart of all of my education. Everything I had been taught to be true. I didn't know what was true anymore.
Then I went back to church. I no longer passively accepted what I was told. I have beliefs that conflict with what I’ve been told. I know now that total rejection equates to silence, but selective rejection can bring about change. If I listen to what my religion says, and if I talk about what I believe versus what I hear, I have a presence and a voice. I try to constantly question. I see that it's easier to follow than to belief in a religion so subject to interpretation, yet I'll make my voice heard in this interpretation. I'll say my piece to bring about peace, inclusion and love for the people and the earth around me, and hopefully it leads to a better word. After all, Aquarians are visionaries, so it's in my nature to behave this way.
