When my grandfather first defeated cancer, it never occurred to me he could get it again until he did. I thought to myself “it's okay because he can win again.” My mom would drive him to chemo and radiation treatments a lot. I never asked her how he was doing because I thought she would tell me the bad news, and I did not want to hear it. I avoided seeing my grandpa because I did not want to see him dying.
My dad and mom started going over to my grandparent's house without asking my brother and me if we wanted to go. Out of curiosity, I asked my dad why. He told me that grandpa was sick and quarantined.
I asked my dad if grandpa gets too sick, will the chemo stop and if so, he will he feel better. That's when my dad told me, "There is no chemo." My dad never cries and my heart never breaks, but at this moment both things happened.
I did not want to see my grandfather because he was very sick, so we would talk on the phone. On September 9, 2013, my aunt called my mom to bring my brother and me over because my grandfather was not doing well. I finally saw him; he was unconscious and needing an oxygen tank to breath. The way he looked that day was the same way he looked in his coffin. I instantly ran out and cried; I couldn't see him like that.
My cousin talked to me saying how grandpa needs me now. I walked into his room after everyone else left; it was him and me, one on one, for the last time. I regret avoiding seeing him. He needed me. I always thought my last words would be "I love you" and he would say back "I love you too." But instead, it was "I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner, I promise not to do that to grandma."
He died the next morning and we had a funeral the next day. When my family went to the coffin to say our final goodbyes my grandma started crying saying she still needed him, but he won't be there, kind of how I wasn't there for him. Now I have to be there for my grandma as I promised. When it was my turn to say goodbye, all I said was "I promise."
If you ask me why I am sorry so much, it’s because I rather over apologize for things that aren’t my fault, instead of having it be too late. I am not sure whether or not my grandpa heard me say sorry. I learned at that day that someone I owe an apology to, could die without knowing how apologetic I am. Grandpa, I am still sorry that I wasn’t there sooner. Also, thank you for teaching me an important life lesson: say sorry before it’s too late.
