I love my grandmother, and while I am fairly certain that she loves me too, she has the most peculiar way of showing it. You see, I never spent very much time at home: I went to a British boarding school for 11 years, after which I jetted off to America for my higher education. My grandmother and I see each other as frequently as one to four times a year, and every time we get together, she always has the strangest things to say. To all you silently screaming Malayalis out there, you're not alone, my grandma says it too.
1. "You are looking darker."
I don't actually know why this comment surprises me anymore, for it is nearly always the first thing she says to me when I come home every year. The usual follow-up to this comment is something vague and mildly terrifying like "I still have some Fair and Lovely that your mother left behind in the top drawer of my closet– go put some of that on your face."
My mother hasn't been in that house since 2004. I'll pass.
2. "Where did all these pimples come from?"
3. "I see your hair hasn't been combed."
If I had a penny for every time my grandmother said this to me, I would have enough money to pay for my college tuition. I have tried time and time again to explain to my Malayali grandmother that when I brush my curly hair, it turns into a giant frizz ball. Keep in mind, this is the same woman who has told me for the last 20 years that cutting my hair extremely short will make it grow incredibly long, incredibly fast. Logic, wherefore art thou?
4. "You've lost so much weight. The neighbors will start saying I'm not feeding you– is this what you want?"
..? Come again?
5. "You only wear jeans. I am wasting my money buying you sarees."
Sarees are beautiful, they really are, but they SCARE me. Now I know you can pin a saree and manipulate it to stay in place, but with my kind of luck, I'd find a way to go from saree to birthday suit real quick. Ammachi, maybe it's best that I stick to jeans.
6. "Your arms and neck are so bare, why won't you wear the jewelry I buy you?"
I give people a hard time for wearing lanyards; it's not very characteristic of myself to go parading gold medallions in public. Someone told me the other day that apparently India has more gold than the U.S., Switzerland, and German reserves combined, and here's the best part: the majority of it is in the hands of Indian housewives. It's people like my Ammachi that keep India on fun-facts pages.
7. "Why don't you cook with me? I'm telling you, one of these days I'll die off and you will be expected to do the cooking."
It worries me that she says this so casually. I'm legitimately concerned that she'll pull a fast one on us just to scare me into learning how to cook.
8. "I saw a picture of you with a boy on The Facebook. Do you want people talking?"
It may be because I did not grow up in Malayali culture, but either way, I think it is ridiculous the way that they obsess and over analyze male/female friendships. If one Ammachi sees you with a male friend, it won't be long before all the Ammachis in town know.
Also... "The Facebook".
9. "What do you mean you want to borrow 200 rupees? Back in my day, five rupees could buy you three packets of milk, 1 bag of roasted peanuts, and a ticket to the latest film."
... What does one say to this?
10. And of course, the classic: "It's because you sit on your computer all day."
This is my Ammachi's explanation for everything that is wrong with me. I am sick because I sit on my computer all day. I was late for Church because I sit on my computer all day. I don't know how to make perfectly round chapatis because I sit on my computer all day.
Fair enough.
