Yeah, that's right, I said butt hole and this article is going to incite a bidet/sanitary hose revolution in the U.S.!

If you are still in the dark on the issue of toilet paper, I'm about to blow your mind. The United States is pretty much the only country in the world that uses toilet paper when cleaning up its business. This country needs a Bidet Revolution!

The naysayers will argue, "But I'm so used to bathroom tissue. I don't think I can make the switch." Well, let me tell you from personal experience that switching to water power is a lot like getting your first flu shot. You're going to be terrified. You're going to squirm and eye the business end of the nozzle nervously. Your eyes will bulge and you will yelp at the moment of contact. Lastly, you will spend the rest of the day feeling violated. I know it is traumatizing, but the next time you have to get your "shot," it's not as bad. After a few times, you're going to realize this is kind of a good thing. By the end of the week, you won't even think about toilet paper anymore because once you go bidet, you never go back.

Most of our foreign counterparts are enjoying superior posterior cleansing on the daily, and I am outraged that I will have to kiss this technology goodbye when I fly back to California. Like Obama, I am going to bring change. This change is not as exciting as universal healthcare, but a reality. Everyone will be able to find a bidet in every school, restaurant and household. It is a real possibility!

I want my children, and my children's children, to revel in an age of water-washed backsides! This is the platform that will get the next president elected and this is the idea that will unite the generations of this nation for a common goal. If, in the 1920s, the government was able to change the Constitution to outlaw alcohol (I don't understand how this actually happened), then surely we can change the Declaration Of Independence to list the natural, inalienable rights of man as life, liberty, and the pursuit of a thoroughly cleaned balloon knot.

Bidets are the apex of freedom. We need every American to help make this a reality. Will you join the cause?