Words aren't my greatest strength. I find it hard to know my exact feelings and it's not always easy to even comprehend the way my brain is making me think. There are many people in my life that I hear speak so eloquently and can put their finger on exactly what they want to express and how to do it. My freshman year college roommate amazed me with the way that she spoke and the way that she was able to be so in tune with her mind and what she needed. I found that I haven't been able to do that. It got me in trouble, it made me angry, it heightened my anxiety, and it was making me feel sporadic almost every minute of every day. So, I'm here to prove to myself that I do not have to be afraid of sharing myself or my thoughts, that writing is the way that I am able to share what I, and probably many other people, are thinking and feeling.

I read the book "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis, and was immediately inspired by the way that she was able to make me feel so comfortable and not alone. I want to be that to people through my written words, and to be able to inspire people to be the best that they can be, no matter the circumstances.

Back in high school I used to believe that I was an emotionless person, no words phased me, I just lived my life and smiled at the BS that was thrown at me, but that changed a lot when real life began to happen at a very rapid pace. Around junior year of high school, I began to have all of these thoughts in my mind "I'm not good enough", "people always leave me because I am such a difficult person to be around". I was telling myself lies. At the time, I did not know that. I fell into anxiety, I fell into depression, but I did not realize it. I was no longer myself. I wasn't spunky, I didn't enjoy talking to people, I wanted to be as far as possible away from anything that made me feel uncomfortable, when in actuality, my mind was playing tricks on me.

Fast forward 2 years to my first year in college. So excited to be somewhere new, to make new friends, to become the person I knew that I was supposed to be, because I was starting fresh. I came to college to swim, and I was enjoying every moment of the new environment. The unique, quirky, free-spirited friends that I was making, and the team that I was able to call my family from day one... until I had to have shoulder surgery. Many of my friends and close family saw me start to go downhill. I wasn't able to do the thing that I loved the most, I felt like I was letting everyone down because I wasn't able to perform like I was expected to. I was gaining mass amounts of weight and not taking care of myself. I was falling down into the hole that I was in when I left my home.

This lasted a very long time, but I thought everything that I was feeling was normal. The feeling of being alone, the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore. I thought that everyone felt that once in a while, so I let it happen. I let crying myself to sleep at night take over, I let myself pick at my skin. I let my mind wander to places that any genuinely happy person would never think of, until it became too much to handle.

I had been dealing with these feelings for what seems like forever. It was hard to remember times where I was smiling for more than a moment. I had gone through a lot of personal issues and I decided to address them and see if something was actually wrong. I started writing in a journal and realized that my words were sad, I hated reading them back to myself. So, I talked to someone. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD, at this point I had no idea what to do. I stopped swimming, my grades were going downhill, I was neglecting the relationships and friendships that I had and I was making everything worse for myself. I was extremely unhappy. I was letting these diagnoses take over my life rather than using them to know that I'm not crazy, that what I'm feeling was a figment of my imagination, and that I would get through it.

I went through a lot of personal things with these ideas in my mind. I didn't take care of them the way that I should have, and eventually I realized that. I knew that I wasn't taking care of my body, I wasn't taking care of the people that loved me the most, and I wasn't being my true self. I got the help, and continue to get the help, with counseling and learning to be in tune with positivity rather than feeling "crazy". Turning the "I'm never going to be able to get through this" into "this is just a small moment in the amazing life that you're going to live". Not letting what people had to say to me get to my head, because ultimately I am the only one who knows what's going on in my mind and I'm the only one who knows the truth when it comes to myself.

This mindset took a long time to achieve, I know that some of the feelings I experience will never go away. But I also know how to manage them. I am committed to being a better person to myself, to my family, to my friends, to anyone around me. People are not scary, people are good. We ultimately all just want to be loved, and sometimes it gets to be too much when our mind tells us that we aren't. But every day is new. When you wake up, that's another opportunity to be better than you were before. Things take time, but when you get to the place where you are starting to get a grip on your life again, you are going to see the glow of life rather than darkness.

So, I am here to say, anxiety does not have to take control of your everyday life, depression does not have to take control of your everyday life. You are you, your body is yours. No one else can change that or tell you what to do to make yourself happy. When you learn to take control of your own life and not let the words people say get to you, everything becomes easier and everything makes more sense. Rise up in the face of scary situations and show the badass you are. This life is going to be lived, and it's going to be lived well. YOU ARE AMAZING.

XOXO,

G