As I'm currently writing this I am completely vulnerable. It's 3:30 am and I am laying in the dark crying. I have no clue what I'm going to title this article or really what it's going to be about, but I am going to publish it. I'm crying because I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. It may be because I'm young and I'm still trying to figure things. Which is true, but also it's because I don't know if I'm doing things for me or other people.
Right now as I lay here in the dark I can't help but think that a lot of the things I do is to not disappoint people in my life. For instance, I have no clue if college is the *right* thing for me or if I'm just doing it to please people, because right now as I think of finals coming up all I can think is 'I better get good grades or else I'm going to be a disappointment'. I shouldn't be thinking like that at all. I should want to get good grades for me and to just get good grades in general. I shouldn't have to think about the people around me when choosing the things that happen in my life but I do. So what if I disappoint people? As long as I'm happy I shouldn't care. Too bad I do care. I care a lot about what people think of me. I really shouldn't since it adds some very unwanted stress and anxiety, but here we are.
I also don't know if these people that I'm worried of disappointing are meaning to put pressure on me or if it's just me putting on that pressure. It could all be in my head that I'm going to disappoint people and the only one who cares is me. People could be happy with whatever I'm doing in my life as long as I'm happy, but I'm the one who is *twisting* it to seem like they'd be angry if I didn't do things how they want it. And at this point, you're probably thinking that I should go see a therapist; you're probably right. I probably should go see a therapist. I definitely do need someone else to help me sort out these feelings. Whether it's a therapist or literally anyone willing to just listen to me rant. Which is pretty much what this post has become; is me just ranting. It helped a lot to just write this post. Writing this post has helped me realize a lot of things.
So thank you if you stuck through this post. And if you didn't you won't see this, but I understand. I thought it might be an interesting thing to write while in a very vulnerable state of mind.
