In our lives there are many times when blame falls unjustly on our shoulders, when people make us out to be someone we are not and when our character is called into question. In these situations it becomes very easy to snap back at someone without thinking about how it may make them feel. Often times this is because we feel the other person has not taken into consideration our feelings, so why should we do that for them?
It becomes really easy to let anger, frustration or even confusion cover our eyes and make our decisions for us. It seems justifiable in the heat of the moment to make someone else feel the same way they are making us feel: small and weak. It is hard to convince yourself to be nice to someone who does not deserve your kindness.
In moments like these I believe it’s essential to question ourselves. Its important to really consider that, yes, if I am mean back to them I will feel so much better right now, I will feel defended and justified and content with putting them in their place-with calling them out for who they are disguising themselves to be. But will it really make any of this situation any better? If this is a person you value, or have valued, for any amount of time, is hurting them the same they have hurt you really the only way out? I don't think so, and I think everyone knows that.
That feeling of invincibility after your immediate (also hurtful) response to someone that was just unkind to you-that is what drives hateful behavior every day. The high you ride after you immediately ‘put someone in their place’ feels great because you feel like top dog, and that is what makes other people inclined to continue to be unkind, hurtful etc. It seems that nobody takes a second to recognize that gross feeling a few minutes or hours or days after you say or do something hurtful. Nobody talks about how it feels wrong, how you don't feel like yourself and how you recognize how awful it feels bad to make someone else feel bad. Nobody talks about it because everyone justifies it away to ‘an eye for an eye’, because who cares if you said something wrong, they started it!
What I think is way more powerful is being the bigger person (commonly referred to as 'sucking it up'). When someone says something unkind about you publicly, privately, etc. most of the time it is for attention. Whether it is for attention from you, from their other peers or just from the world of social media in general. So in this sense, replying to them and adding fuel to their fire only gives them what they want. If you really want to make someone feel awful, or even just recognize how hurtful they have been, it is much more powerful to put on your big girl pants and walk away (sometimes referred to as 'killing them with kindness'). Because I promise you, they may feel like they have gotten away with it momentarily, but the next time they see you just as happy and unfazed by their behavior, they will realize how small they really are for needing to put you down just to feel great for a few minutes.
This does not mean its an easy task-being kind to those who are unkind to you and do not deserve it. It is worth it, however, in every sense. Not only do you get to walk away without hurting someone (IMPORTANT) but you have also taught yourself a valuable lesson that you do not need to be defined by someone else. Your reaction to the way other people treat you says a lot about you. Showing tolerance and acceptance is the best way to show someone that their hurtful opinions do not matter-that they can try to blame you or get under your skin all they want but you will not be a lesser person because of it.
It is very very easy to react with your immediate feelings and make split second decisions to momentarily feel better. The real challenge is accepting that sometimes, people just make you feel small for no reason. Sometimes people make you feel small to make themselves feel big. Sometimes even people you care about will throw you down to save themselves. These things are most definitely not okay, and I am not saying we should pretend they are. But you must remain yourself. You will not be changed, you will not give in and you most definitely not sink to their level because it gets really lonely down there.
It sucks being stepped on sometimes, but it feels really good to wake up in the morning and know you didn't hurt anyone the way they hurt you.
As Michelle Obama said, “When they go low, we go high”.
