Before you and I leave to begin our new collegiate journeys, days apart in separate directions, I need you to know all of this. With that being said, here goes everything.
Over the course of this last year, I have kept a lot locked away in my thoughts, many of which were hardships I denied myself to talk about. For instance, our breakup. Although there were many times I tried writing out these captive thoughts, I grew frustrated and broke down in tears because it hurt to reminisce. Soon after, this also resulted in torn papers or excessive use of the backspace bar. But here I am to try again, in hopes of this being the very last time. And maybe if I am lucky enough, the tears will hold off until I write my final, unspoken word.
I will start by saying: You are my biggest hardship, yet my utmost joy. As months come and go, I do not miss you any less. I miss you more. Although I cannot see you, I feel your presence everywhere and anywhere. I hear your contagious laugh in long silences; feel your touch in warm breezes; recollect butterflies you give me when I drive up and down hills, and see your aspiring dreams amongst the stars. All while encountering these odd events, I feel my heart sink into my shoes as I may never get to experience such tangible moments ever again. Believe me when I say, telling myself that every day never truly gets easier.
You see life is not measured by the big things. Life is measured by the little things, such as moments and how they change us forever. Quite honestly, all of those little moments we shared changed my life more than you could imagine. Whether we were having heart-to-heart conversations long into the night or meeting each other’s families and friends, I have never enjoyed being with someone as much I did, with you. You made my darkness light again, my fog clear again, and my heart whole again. Life, as I knew it, put me up on a cloud I never felt like coming down from.
From day one onward, I felt as if I were in a dream, a dream I never wished to wake up from. I had never met anyone like you before. You always made me feel special, and aside from you, no one ever truly has before. Your family and friends made me feel the same way as they treated me wonderfully. Your best friends guaranteed me a laugh whenever I was around them; your dad was reserved, yet was one of the most humorous and thoughtful men I have ever met; your mom had my heart from day one as her and I could talk for hours; your brother never failed to make my day; and your extended family consisted of the most kind-hearted people I know.
And you know how they say actions speak louder than words? We got lucky, ours did. Through daily good morning and good night texts, holding doors open, big smiles, long laughs, deep conversations, and more, actions gave way to so much, including feelings. Granting I did not always state all of my true feelings, rather they were always implied. Feelings were implied through those “did you make it home all right?” and “thank you for tonight” text messages; lengthy goodbye hugs and kisses; laughing and smiling until my cheeks were sore; holding your hand until my fingers went numb; and endless support. If anyone wished to deny that, they would easily be wrong.
From the first time I saw you at work to the end when I last heard your voice over the phone, life was never the same, in both good and bad ways. We had never met anyone so similar to each other, who shared the same passions, values, and beliefs. Our uncanny similarities were the reason why we called our relationship “too good to be true,” and in the end, maybe it was. At least that is what I tell myself anyway. As this month marks one year since we met, everything is hitting me so much harder than before, for instance, the fact that I never thought we would end so soon.
Ending as soon as we did broke me for a long time, and believe me when I say, I am still trying to move on. Whether I move on sooner or later, life goes on, with or without you. There is nothing I can do to change that. But when those moments with a special someone were the best times of your life, how do you convince yourself it is time to walk away? I do not know, I still have yet to figure that out. One thing is certain, I will always cherish all of these moments, and no one will take that from me.
As John Green once said, “You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.” From July 22 to December 11 of 2015, I felt as if we had something similar. We had a brief fate that was simply irreplaceable beyond measure. While all of that is gone now, I want you to know I am so very appreciative and lucky beyond words for our “forever with the numbered days.” You were the best friend I have ever had, and I could not ask for anything more. Just know I wish we could have fulfilled our promise of keeping each other in our lives. Whether that happens one day or not, I have been and always will be here for you, no matter what. Until we meet again...