Thank You For The Backlash

Thank You For The Backlash

I appreciate what you're teaching me.
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For this week's article, I have been unsure of what to write. I began thinking back on my week—what I’ve gone through these past seven days and what I feel I need to get off of my chest. I started thinking about the people who don’t have nice things to say when they read what I write. I’ve decided to take this opportunity to address that.

Last week, I received an amazing amount of support ranging from strangers to the people closest to me. Then, I started to hear about a small few talking poorly about what I had written. My first thought was, I really don't care. I don't create articles to receive praise. I write what I write to help me grow and to help others feel more comfortable in their own skin. It helps me to deal with my anxiety. Anyone who has seen me type knows that my fingers run a marathon on the keyboard. My mind is constantly racing, and writing is the best way for me to understand how I'm feeling.

I am able to get my thoughts out differently and more efficiently than if I verbalize them (shocking because I can talk forever). Expressing myself helps me to understand how to move forward and keep persevering. When I write, I begin to learn things about myself that I didn't know before. It opens a flood-gate, in a way. So, when I hear negative feedback about my stream of consciousness, I feel the need to know more.

I genuinely want to know where their thoughts stem from. I want to educate myself. Maybe somehow it will help me with my writing as well as myself. I am all for different perspectives.

I had a few thoughts enter my mind while thinking about this:

Why is it that people feel the need to disrespect others they don’t know? Maybe it’s because they feel uncomfortable with people's willingness to be vulnerable and speak out. Just know that their judgments show everything about them and nothing about you.

These people might also be feeling insecure in the way in which they express themselves. Rather than getting angry, it's important to look at these situations with compassion and understanding. That's what life is really about, right?

Most importantly, I do not allow rude comments to negatively affect me. It has taken me a long time and a lot of work to get to this stage in my life. I have come to realize that I can only change the way I think and perceive things. One of my favorite quotes is stated below. I believe it says a lot about life, and it helps me to move on.

"The three things I cannot change:

The past,

The truth,

and you."

To sum it all up, focus on your own happiness. Try not to allow other people's opinions to rain on your parade.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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To The Girl Who's Sick Of Being Told She's 'Too Much'

Don't worry... You're not.

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I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been told I was "too loud, "too opinionated", "too open", "too sensitive", "too out there" or just plain "too much."

We're convinced from such a young age that we need to "dial it down" and sit back and watch as the world passes us by. But I have news for all of those people telling us these things: we're never changing. We can't just sit there and not express ourselves, not care, and do as we're told. In today's society, your voice and self-expression are your most important accessories and your most powerful weapon.

Use them as you please.
If someone ever tells you to dial it down, you take your "dial" and turn it to the max! You are strong and independent and the only people that should matter to you are the people sitting front and center for whatever you have to say, do, or feel.

Always remember to take pride in what you bring to the table and never be afraid to sit alone at that table. The only thing you should ever be afraid of is whether or not you're truly expressing yourself. Nobody's opinion matters more than your own. If you want to wear that new outfit that's not "in style", where it and add some hoops! If you want to speak out against something you don't feel is right, bring a megaphone!

If you want to follow your dreams and move away to a new city, pack your bags girl and walk straight ahead with your head held high! And when you're ready to take over the world, don't forget to wear your cutest pair of shoes. Never forget to put yourself first. Your happiness and peace of mind are so important, and the only way to truly gain both is to make sure nobody stands in your way.

You are powerful. And if power equates to being "too much", so be it. I personally would rather be "too much" than just enough any day.

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