“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.” –David Jones
Typically if you get on Twitter at 1:11 in the morning, it’s dead silent, with the exception of those of us whose minds are rattling with insomnia or tiny anxieties. It’s 1:11 while I write this and there are tweets of Black Lives Matter, Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, and Dallas PD. There are celebrities on every side of the world expressing their thoughts and opinions, posting screenshots, giving a word or two. When it comes down to it, I’ve retweeted a few things myself. I am also aware that silence and being a bystander are just as bad as the actual events. But I also believe in my silence – one, because I feel everything in such an intense manner that I cannot explain and two, I would much rather stay silent to gather information and have my facts straight before I open my mouth.
Maybe the last few sentences will become unsettling to someone who reads that. I’m sure somewhere out there, someone believes I should take a stand. Pick a side. Go for what I believe in. Sometimes though, I don’t know how to go about that. As a writer, you would think this would be my time to shine, to take a stance on everything. But in cases like this, when there is so much violence and so much cruelty that’s being fed to you in every social media platform you come across, all you know how to do is feel.
It’s as simple as that. All I know how to do is feel. My mom calls me her “little girl with the big heart.” She’s constantly intrigued by my desire to “save the world.” There comes a time though with getting older that you realize you can’t save the world. You can only do what you can to help it. To radiate as much love as you possibly can and lend your hand as best as you know how. I remember events such as 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina that stick out, and finding myself constantly wondering what I could do to help. Even with events that occurred throughout life, I have never been one to enjoy the feeling of helplessness. Not that I think that anyone does.
While the events I’ve stated don’t necessarily all equate to each other, they’re all tragic. Each and every one of them. Lives are lost in each event that’s taken place and it’s all I’ve read about. Even as I sit here and write about the fact that these events have me on a rollercoaster of emotions, I will never begin to understand the pain that the families and friends of the victims are feeling. I will never begin to understand what motivates a human being to take another human being’s life. I will never understand the raw, unadulterated emotions going through the body of someone that stands as a witness, someone that saw the blood with their own eyes.
This is for any of you that have ever felt the same way. For those of you who feel the need to speak up and whether you do or not, you only hope that peace is on its way. While I need to become more educated and knowledgeable of everything going on, while I should turn the tables and begin to speak up, please forgive me when I don’t. Please understand that my heart breaks to see the headlines on feed after feed and that all I know how to do is feel.
