Aliens Seek Subjects to Test New "Minimally Invasive" Abduction Procedure
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

Aliens Seek Subjects to Test New "Minimally Invasive" Abduction Procedure

Research Team Seek UCSP Approval of New Operation

Aliens Seek Subjects to Test New "Minimally Invasive" Abduction Procedure

A team of extraterrestrial researchers from the planet B422 have been in the process of developing a new abduction procedure for the past 20 years, and are now nearly ready to unveil their technique.

Two star-days ago, Pajoba Hennifax, the lead developer on the project, held a press conference in the Universal Confederacy of Sovereign Planets (UCSP) headquarters explaining the project. The research team, a branch of the B422 Scientific Inquiry Committee, released the following statement:

"At the present moment, we are fully funded, but our project requires extensive testing in order to meet the standards in place for the Milky Way system. We are calling for volunteers to test these new methods. Only when we have accumulated adequate subjects can we proceed with the clinical trials."

Following the press conference, recently-appointed UCSP Chair Kalesa Pinnt called a meeting to order, commenting, "With criticism of the UCSP's handling of the ongoing Tattooinian water shortages and the instability of the Alderaan refugee crisis, our organization is proud to be able to fund such groundbreaking research. The current treatment of human's test subjects is, frankly, inhumane."

If successful, this new procedure will be the first of Pinnt's motions as Chair following General Kenna's official resignation last month due to public condemnation following the hearing on his management of the Gallifreyan genocide.

Hennifax stated, "In conjunction with the work of the UCSP Interspecies Rights Task Force, our project is making vast improvements to standard protocol. We believe that our improvements on technique and workplace environment will make non-consensual scientific experimentation much safer for our subjects. Ood and Vulcan human rights activists have been calling for reform for decades, and we are finally taking a step in the right direction. There is no need to involve the Intergalactic Court of Justice."

Anthrobiological scientist and surgeon Jamison Fordt, a senior member of the research team, also hopes that, along with reform, future transparency about abduction procedures will dispel the various myths and stereotypes surrounding the operation.

"Contrary to popular belief," Fordt explained, "subjects do not actually wake up in a tub of ice with their liver missing. That's a myth. Actually, it's the liver itself that needs to be on ice. Only an amateur would put the actual human on ice. Although, now that I think about it, that might be a good idea. Not the ice, I mean—using general anesthetic. It would have to be a human-friendly drug, of course. Overall, the abduction is a safe but uncomfortable operation as it is currently performed. Our goal is to make probing a more enjoyable experience. If all goes well, abduction will soon be an outpatient procedure requiring minimal to no aftercare. We won't even have to beam subjects up aboard our ships."

Fordt also dismissed radical human rights activists' accusations that liver removal is an invasive and potentially dangerous operation for humans: "What a ridiculous and repulsive idea! The liver is practically a non-functioning organ. Across all known species, we've seen that it is nonessential for life, and its removal does not at all affect an organism's lifespan. A creature requiring a liver for survival? Nonsense; another myth. Such a species would have to be severely underdeveloped, in terms of evolution."

Lead Developer Hennifax has also recently introduced monetary compensation into the research process. "We're thrilled to announce we've received a substantial grant for our research. Thanks to that, all volunteers will be compensated for their participation in our project—with galactic credits, of course. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and sell your body to science!"

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

150 Words For Anyone Who Loves Football Games

Why I love high school football games, even though I don't like football.

Dallas News

When most think of high school they think of friend drama, parties, getting your drivers license, and best of all foot ball games.

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Greatest Speeches In Modern American History

The United States is a relatively infantile nation, but its legacy of spoken rhetoric is one of the richest in the world.


Rhetoric, in all its forms, arrives under the scrutiny of historians both for its historical impact and literary value. Dozens of speeches have either rallied the nation together or driven it drastically apart –– the impact of speeches in politics, social movements, and wars is undeniable.

Keep Reading... Show less

What If The U.N. Actually United The Nations?

This is me taking a break from being cynical and imagining how the world could be one day.


By now, people are probably sick of hearing me talk about myself, so I’m changing it up this week. In keeping with the subject of my J-Term class, I’m asking myself a political what-if question. What if we could create a sovereign global government firmly grounded in justice that could actually adjudicate Earth’s many disparate nation-states into one unified world government?

Keep Reading... Show less

100 Things I'd Rather Do Than Study

Procrastination Nation, unite.

Panda Whale
Here are 100 things I'd rather to than study. I know the semester just started, but

    1. Watch a movie
    2. Take a nap
    3. Have a dance party
    4. Eat ice cream
    5. Bake a cake
    6. Cry just a little bit
    7. Knit a blanket
    8. Learn to ride a bike
    9. Build a crib
    10. Watch a hockey game
    11. Watch any game
    12. Play with my hair
    13. Dye my hair
    14. Go grocery shopping
    15. Learn to crochet
    16. Do 50 jumping jacks
    17. Drive cross country
    18. Take a bubble bath
    19. Squeeze lemons for lemonade
    20. Sell the lemonade
    21. Make heart-shaped ice cubes
    22. Moisturize my knees
    23. Paint my nails
    24. Find the cure for cancer
    25. Run a marathon
    26. Just kidding, run down the hall
    27. Squat my bodyweight
    28. Eat my bodyweight in French fries
    29. Hibernate until Christmas
    30. Cuddle my body pillow (unless you have a boo)
    31. Think about all the work I’m not doing
    32. Wash my bed sheets
    33. Vacuum my apartment
    34. Play mini golf
    35. Go swimming
    36. Tan in this Texas heat
    37. Sing like I’m about to win American Idol
    38. Blow up balloons
    39. Pop the balloons
    40. Make lists
    41. Write an Odyssey article
    42. Pet a puppy
    43. Adopt a puppy
    44. Pay my rent
    45. Order a pizza
    46. Start a garden
    47. Cook a turkey
    48. Find new music
    49. Clean my waffle iron
    50. Learn to make jam
    51. Jam to music
    52. Play scrabble
    53. Volunteer anywhere
    54. Celebrate a birthday
    55. Watch a makeup tutorial I’ll never use
    56. Go through old pictures on my phone
    57. Make a playlist
    58. Take a shower
    59. Clean my room
    60. Curl my hair
    61. Climb a rock wall
    62. Get a massage
    63. Play with Snapchat filters
    64. Roast a chicken
    65. Go fishing
    66. Chug some Snapple
    67. Ride in a cart around Walmart
    68. Count the days until the semester is over
    69. Overthink about my future
    70. Think of my future baby’s names
    71. Pin everything on Pinterest
    72. Text anybody
    73. Pray about life
    74. Watch a sunset
    75. Watch a sunrise
    76. Have a picnic
    77. Read a book (that’s not for school)
    78. Go to a bakery
    79. Snuggle a bunny
    80. Clean my apartment
    81. Wash my dishes
    82. Rearrange my furniture
    83. Physically run away from my problems
    84. Make some meatballs
    85. Learn to make bread
    86. Google myself
    87. Ride a Ferris wheel
    88. Get stuck on a Ferris wheel (that way, it’s not my fault I’m not studying)
    89. Wash my car
    90. Get on a plane to Neverland
    91. Find Narnia in my closet
    92. Jump on a trampoline
    93. Learn to ice skate
    94. Go rollerblading
    95. Ride a rollercoaster
    96. Carve a pumpkin
    97. Restore water in a third world country
    98. FaceTime my family
    99. Hug my mom
    100. Tell my friends I love them

    The Basics Of The United Nations

    As the General Assembly convenes, here is the United Nations 101


    For an organization that literally unites the nations, it amazes me how little is taught about the United Nations in schools, or at least where I went to school. It wasn't until I went to college and got a higher education that I learned the basics of the United Nations. I believe that every American should know at least the basics of what the United Nations does, especially since our country is one of the 5 permanent members. So here are the main "organs" of the United Nations.

    Keep Reading... Show less

    Subscribe to Our Newsletter

    Facebook Comments