This is for all of you that never remember last night. Here you'll find a rough estimate of what you're probably getting yourself into ahead of time. Cheers.
Vodka
You're probably going to spend a lot of your night making a fool of yourself, as usual. You'll say some things you don't really mean, and then go dance off the shame. You might meet the love of your life, but you'll be too busy trying to find toilet paper since frat houses never have any. You are going to say "THIS IS MY SONG!" at least 40 times and pretend to know the lyrics to all of them even though you mistook this song for a different song and don't actually know a single word. There's a 50/50 chance of you throwing up that $10 vodka from Walmart but a 100 percent chance that the stars are going to align, and you're going to wake up with a hangover. Congrats.
Fireball
You will probably make out with someone on the couch in front of everyone and not care. Your friend will get mad at you for requesting the song "Fireball" by Flo Rida, like, 12 different times and thinking you're a salsa dancer for all of them. You're going to see your ex-boyfriend and think it's a good idea to ask about his new girlfriend and then proceed to make fun of her. Your night will end disastrously, I promise, but you'll laugh about it in the morning because everything you said about her was true anyways.
Beer
Country music is in your future along with some rap when nighttime hits. You're going to be searching for any type of food to curb your beer-hunger, but then you'll realize you're actually full from the empty calories you just chugged in the beer bong. You'll probably wake up with a few pictures of you shotgunning a beer, but in reality it's all spilling on the ground. You might wander from your group and get lost but then make a few friends on the street along the way and go into that party instead. You probably won't sleep in your own bed, let alone house, but end up on a couch at your friend''s or some randos. You will also feel like you gained 100 pounds in the morning, and you probably did. All hail the beer gut.
Wine
You're classier than the rest of us, but not when you pour that stuff in plastic water bottle and rip off the label. You'll probably not think you're drunk at all, until you drink the entire thing and stand up and can't figure out where your legs are. I'd say it's going to hit you like a brick wall, but you probably literally will run into a wall anyway. There is a large chance you're going to try to have a deep conversation with someone throughout the night and also try to order a pizza. Actually, you will definitely order a pizza and try to flirt with the 40-year-old deliveryman. Keep tippin' that bad boy back, because you'll need it after remembering what Randy the deliveryman looked like in the morning.
Boxed wine (yes, there's a difference)
Prepare to share that bag with absolutely everyone. Your wine will be gone faster than you're able to actually slap that bag seeing as you're going to try to get everyone as equally trashed as you are. I would say you're going to come to some revelation about your life, but you will absolutely not remember a thing. Prepare to wake up to snapchats of you drinking from the spout for the first eight seconds, slapping it, and throwing a deuces to the camera for the remaining two. You will probably have the most fun of the night, but will probably wake up with an illness due to all the people you shared the bag with.
Whisky
Put the Advil next to your bed with a glass of water before you go out so when you wake up in the morning you don't have to move. A headache is in your future. You'll think it's a good idea to take shots of whisky with no chasers because you're a tough guy (metaphorically speaking), and while your mind is working normally, your speech and your body will be a few seconds delayed. If it's winter the shots are the definition of a liquid blanket seeing as it'll burn your insides while going down. Your night will be filled with regrets that you will probably foggily remember in the morning, but you will deny any recollection of flirting with the unfortunate. Word of advice, stay away from your phone because there will definitely be some unwanted texts and calls made. Good luck.
Anything sugary (Strawberitas, Smirnoff Ice, Mike's Hard)
You are going to black out and vomit. Guaranteed.
Be safe. Drink responsibly. And you don't know what alcohol is until you're 21.
#cheers.
