In early 2018, close friends of mine formally introduced me to BTS. I had been familiar with them since 2015 because I watched the "Dope" music video when it dropped, just out of pure curiosity. I noticed that their fans were everywhere, too, which was incredibly memorable to me over the years. I sometimes kick myself in the ass for not doing anything with them then, but they're in my life now and that's the most important thing. Yes, I do wish that I became a fan sooner, but they showed up when they were supposed to. That's something I realized not long after I fell down that hole. I've learned that everything with them happens for a reason.
When you become a fan of BTS, the first thing you realize is just how much content is in front of you waiting to be explored. It's incredibly overwhelming and time consuming but it can be conquered with a little determination and curiosity, maybe in the company of handful of sleepless nights. I fell in love with the concepts, the lyrics, the production, the choreography, and the members themselves. Through all of those things, specific aspects stood out to me such as the rapline mixtapes. Min Yoongi's mixtape titled "Agust D" particularly captured my attention and not only opened me up into an entirely new world of music, but it opened my heart to confronting a problem I was always too scared to come to terms with: asking for help.
For a good portion of my life, I've had to deal with the burden of anxiety and depression. In my early years of high school, I began to have severe panic attacks because I found the pressure of getting my education and working towards a dream that was unclear in my mind didn't mix well with the weight of heartbreak and unstable home life on my shoulders. I was always a shy kid from the start so I never even dreamt of considering the idea of asking for any kind of help or assistance. I was also the person that was there for everyone else when it was needed or necessary and how dare I show any signs of struggle when I'm supposed to be the one that fixes it for everyone else?
Through my own trials, music was the most consistent thing in my life as it still is to this day. If everything and everyone else were to change or leave me unexpectedly, I could always count on that one single constant that brought me the most comfort and security out of everything else. I've had my fair share of loving different bands and artists to a great extent, partaking in online "stan culture" as well, but I've never experienced anything like I have with BTS. I've never experienced this type of security, support, motivation, and the want to be something and someone greater in all areas of my life.
Out of all my years of loving music, I can confidently say that nothing has changed me like "Agust D" has. I never know where to begin when I talk about it because each track exists on a spectrum in my heart and mind but nonetheless, it's been my safety net and it caught me before I fell too far. I try to refrain from feeling disappointed in myself when I can't conjure up words to do the mixtape and Yoongi justice considering he opened his heart and said what he felt so well, but it is difficult to do so especially since I want to return that same level of honesty, vulnerability, and trust. But, what I can confidentely say is this:
As someone who doesn't have big dreams, as someone who finds it hard to get out of bed some mornings, as someone who has struggled for years and just recently gained the confidence to admit there's a problem, this mixtape saved my life and gave me the courage and desire to want to get better. The vulnerability and honesty in "The Last" kept me company on nights when I believed that nothing could be said or done to make me think that dying was not my only way out. "So Far Away" stopped me from cursing myself over the fact that I didn't have dreams to look forward to every day and that it's perfectly okay, I'm perfectly okay, I'll be fine no matter what. Lines like "may your trials end in full bloom" circled around my brain endlessly, tirelessly, on days when I convinced myself that there was no way out of feeling the way I did. This collection of songs held me together better than anything tangible ever could. Yoongi's ability to capture and describe human emotion is nothing short of incredible and it made me feel like he knew exactly what I was dealing with for so long. Hearing someone I respect so greatly be so open and honest with his past and current struggles when millions of people have their eyes on him gave me the bravery to be honest with myself and those around me in the same exact way he was. I was tired of harboring the trauma and lack of closure from heartbreak that made me despise myself for years as well as the pain of being so scared to live life comfortably. None of that was fair to me as it's not fair to anybody who knows what it's like. If he could do it, I knew I could do it, too. "Agust D" created the beginning stages of my road to healing myself, loving myself, and taking care of myself. Every aspect of that mixtape allowed me to talk about therapy being an option. Every lyric made me believe in my own story by coming to terms with what's happened to me but how I can live to ensure that I fully bloom no matter what I've gone through. Every night, every day, every situation I've needed it, he's been there and comforted me through those songs and through his intentions of telling his story to hopefully inspire or better someone else. I don't think I could say or do anything in return that could exist on the same level as what he's given me, but I hope that the way I live every day from now on as a result of his words says or does enough.
Just as it's done throughout my life, music has found ways to make sure that I was okay. Whether it be subtle or very upfront, it's served as a reminder that things will fall the way they're supposed to. Through "Agust D" I've learned to give myself a chance to get through all trials I will face throughout my time here, that it's okay to not have extravagant dreams, and that I will without a doubt never have to worry about being alone in what I face. As someone who has never previously felt these things in any degree or any aspect of my life, I can't possibly explain how good it feels to exhale and begin to feel myself become stronger.
It all became possible through this mixtape, it all became possible through Min Yoongi.
