Why is it so easy to have conversations with you in my head, but then the thought of actually following through with expressing those feelings makes my stomach turn? Talking to you used to feel so natural. I remember the days I couldn't wait to sit down and chat about everything, and nothing, for hours. To plan random wine and craft nights, grocery runs, coffee dates, etc. You were the one I wanted to come to with everything. The only one I looked forward to spending time with. Must good things truly have to come to an end?

~

Hi friend. It has been a while.
Life is hard without you, I must admit, but as days, weeks, months go by with little to no association - it seems that it is getting easier to live this life I never not saw you part of. At first, days grew longer and depression creeped in. I would overthink every little detail. I had to go through a dark time alone and you'll never know - though, truly, you never asked. You weren't there for me anymore. I wanted to reach out about it on numerous occasions but, when I pulled up our old messages, the right words could not form in my mind. I just watched the curser blink under your name. But I have so much to tell you!…It has been so long, though. Maybe too long…would you even care anymore? I guess we'll never know. Chat closed.

I tried reaching out, but it never really got me anywhere. Small-talk was never part of our routine, but now it's the only communication we know. I tried to make plans and tried to be a good friend, but I grew tired of being put on the back burner. I just want to know why wasn’t enough for you? A first choice. Why am I so easily dismissed? Probably best I don't know your answers, but I can't help but wonder if that would have been the closure I needed…or our breakthrough. Fine line, I suppose.

If this message was to ever find you, I want you know that I am well. I took some time to work on myself and, though I definitely have my moments, I think you would have been proud of how far I've come. I want to be a better friend; I know I am a better friend now. I have so much to offer and so much love to give. Thank you for showing me true friendship, even if it wasn't the forever I had in mind. I want you to know that I don't have any ill-will towards you. In fact, I'm still rooting for you. I still ask about you to our mutual friends. I will continue to like your posts and support your life events and milestones. It makes me happy to see you happy and thriving - though, selfishly, I can't help but wish things would have gone differently for us. I thought we could have grown and worked through life together, but maybe we just needed time to grow apart so that we could, later, cross paths when the time was right for us, again. I think I would like that.

Until then,

Your former best friend.