Lately, I have been thinking about the ideas I had as a child. The wanting to play and be free as a kid, and the idea of growing up. Adult life seemed like the perfect opportunity to do anything and everything, all done in freedom. It would be pure happiness and I would have accessibility to my own money. I had a belief it would be simple. I would find love, have kids, travel, and live in a different country, in a nice home, by the time I hit my early or mid-20s. My life would be set with all my dreams in one package.

If only this were how life truly functioned.

Now, I am looking back at that ideology and wondering if I was not provided real expectations or if I did something wrong.

Wondering if my dreams will turn into something real, one day. All I can see as the years go by is pain and it heightens with each year. The loss of friends and family. Loss of dreams and a great deal of rejection. Growing up does not seem what I was told or what I had seen in others. I wish I could rid myself of all this pain. Sometimes it is too painful to maintain motivated and to continue dreaming.

There are two paths I can undergo in experiencing pain. It can either destroy my life or it can bring forth a new meaning.

In pain, I can reevaluate how I want my life to be and push forward to make it a reality.

Pain is only a demonstration of how much I cared. Without pain, I can go through life without actually experiencing it. I would not be living. It is important to go through pain, after all, it is only temporary.

For those that I have lost, I know I have the memories with me. Those will always remain alive and I know the power of writing can connect me to that person.

The pain I undergo can only demonstrate my resiliency. Perhaps, I may not have reached those child ideologies, but it is not too late to reach them. The pathway will be slower than I once thought, but now I can form a plan. It is clearer thanks to the pain.