Adult Things That I Haven't Mastered Yet (As A Technical Adult)
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Adult Things That I Haven't Mastered Yet (As A Technical Adult)

And possibly never will.

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Adult Things That I Haven't Mastered Yet (As A Technical Adult)
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As someone who can drive, vote, legally purchase alcohol, and is currently doing a “big girl job” (you know, profit margin analyses and stuff), I’m quintessentially what someone would refer to as an ‘adult.’ However, young adults will tell you all about the struggles of ‘adulting,’ whether they are proud that they can, frustrated that they can't, or that they just plain don’t want to today. As someone who can more or less successfully ‘adult,’ there are still a handful of things I’m not good at, even after having 21 years to get it together:

1. Cooking Meat

Let me explain: I can, and often do cook meat. Successfully. However, when the opportunity presents itself, I will never fail to ask an adult-ier adult (Mom never fails to be a willing volunteer) whether or not they think it seems cooked enough. I'm just not ready to give myself food poisoning, yanno?

2. Dressing Appropriately For The Weather

My mom frequently asks “are you sure won’t be cold without a jacket or gloves?” She is consistently right, even though I pretend like she’s not. This is a real struggle when you live alone and no longer have your mom to challenge your predictions of how cold you will be. I will be 80 someday, and I will likely continue to wear shoes that too thin in the freezing cold and forgo the coat, against my better judgment.

3. Parallel Parking

I actively avoid this whenever possible. I passed my driving test, and I think that’s the last time I’ve ever willingly parallel parked anywhere. It’s something an adult does, because it's practical, but it will take me 4 tries at minimum to do even a semi-acceptable job

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4. Watching Grown-Up TV

I don’t watch the news enough, like many young people. I feel bad about it, but at the end of a long day I want to watch cartoons. So sue me. Also, it doesn’t matter what show you recommend to me (Walking Dead, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Jane the Virgin, literally everything), no matter how much you know I’d like it, I’m just not going to watch it. Sorry. Give me Gravity Falls or give me death.

5. Dessert Is The Most Important Meal Of The Day

I never got the hang of being embarrassed by wanting dessert, or finishing all of my dessert by myself like many other adult women. They are forced to take a bite, claiming “it’s too much,” and justifying it every bite of the way. I’m sure for some of them it’s true, but I know for a lot of others it’s a fear of judgment (which is unfortunate because no one should feel judged for what they eat, but that’s a discussion for another day). I’m usually not satisfied with any meal UNTIL I’ve had dessert. So when the waiter smirks at my quick response of “yes please” to see the dessert menu, know that it’s just because I never learned how to be embarrassed by my dessert needs like a “proper lady.” I’ll have the brownie sundae thanks!


6. I Can’t Pay Attention In Church

I suspect there are more adults out there who are in the same boat. No matter how hard I try, all of the sudden we are kneeling and I was thinking about how the Squeaky Boots episode of Spongebob is really just The Telltale Heart. How did I get here? How does this still continue to happen every single time?

7. I Avoid The “Women’s” Department

I’ve briefly mentioned this before in another piece. Have you ever crossed over from the junior’s department into the women’s department? It’s ugly. Maybe not in every store, but I can’t tell you how many weird shirts with ugly prints and permanently-attached pieces of nonsense exist there. Don’t get me started on the awful pants or the ugly dresses that would only ever be worn on a dare. Why do women older than like 30 have to dress like they’ve completely given up in life? I will also be 80 and still shopping in the junior’s section.

8. Zombie Apocolypse Is Still My Top Fear

When I was a kid I used to regularly have nightmares about zombie invasions. Even though I don’t dream about them as much, if you ask me what my number one fear is it’s still zombies. Laugh all you want, but I’ll have all of my plans together when the day comes. Also, if you’re wondering if I still watch as many zombie movies as I used to, the answer is absolutely. So I guess you can add "watching zombie movies even when they give me nightmares" to the list too.

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