Dear freshman self:
Congrats! You are finally in college and on your own, and it's pretty scary. You feel overwhelmed from the piles and piles of advice you have gotten from nearly every adult in your life. It's scary to think that all of these people are depending on you to do great and the fact that there is no room for error is very scary. Here is a guide of sorts of what I wish I could have told you sooner to make the transition easier and smoother for you.
1. Let the resentment go.
I know for the first part of freshman year you will be angry, hurt and especially in denial. You will be angry that you didn't get to go to the College of Charleston. You will be hurt because Mom said it was either Mary Baldwin and VWIL or the New Mexico Military Institute. You are in denial about the situation you are in. Just breath and let it all go; you will thank me later when you finally start to develop a true understanding of mom's decision and start on the rocky road of building a real relationship with her.
2. Forgive her.
Something very big will happen in your life around January that forever will etch a sadness in your heart. Move on from that; they did what they had to do because they loved you and wanted the best for you. You will start to hate that person with every bone in your body and then try to fix your relationship with them with temporary solutions. Look in the mirror and realize that you messed up. You make mistakes, so you own up to them and you move on, that's life. You're allowed to be sad but don't let it take over your life and isolate yourself from your loved ones. You will feel the most alone at these moments, and that will hurt far more worse than anything you have ever felt before.
3. It's OK to have feelings.
You will try your hardest to not to cry when it's needed and especially when you are sad. You will try to put on this brave face and pretend that you feel absolutely nothing at all times. Stop it, before it is too late. Stop it before you truly think that, that's who you actually are. You are an emotional being and when things happen to you, you need to let it out instead of internalizing everything that happens. You are not indestructible nor invincible, you are only human.
4. It's OK to shut people out.
It's OK to press pause in your personal life and take some much needed me time. Don't let anyone make you feel terrible for wanting to watch the season 5 finale of "X-Files" instead of hanging out with them and dealing with everyone else's problems. You are not their slave, they do not own you, and you have every right to do what you want. Don't ever let them belittle you into thinking otherwise.
5. Don't party your feelings away.
You will feel sad about a lot of things at this point in your life and the first response from everyone is to go to a party and just dance your feelings away. You know for a fact that is not how you operate. Get out of that cycle immediately before it's too late.
6. It's OK to be snappy.
Don't always pretend that everything is OK, you deserve to act like a bitch just like everyone else in the universe. Do not feel obligated to slap on a fake smile and a fake persona just to make others around you happy. It's not you, and it never will be.
7. Never apologize.
In your short span of freshman year, you will apologize for a lot of things, and some that are not even your own fault. Don't apologize for trying to find fun in your dull life, don't apologize for locking yourself in your room to be by yourself, and especially don't apologize for the people that you date. Own everything you have done and be prideful not ashamed, again, you are your own person and should live as such.
8. Say I love you less.
You will tell the people you can't stand the most, "I love you." You will only do this because you are trying to make up for something that never was. Don't do it. It will further hinder the most important relationship in your life, the one with your yourself. Remember that you are a lot stronger than you are at this particular moment and that no one should be able to break you.
9. Be proud.
There will be moments where you want to be silly and the people you care about the most will try to put you down for the fun of it. Again, just be unapologetically you. You are your own person who shouldn't give a damn about anyone's opinions. Some will hurt when you hear them, but just realize that you will rise from the hateful words and prove them wrong.
10. Be happy.
You will pretend to be happy for several months, but at night you know that there is simply no amount of fake smiles and pretend happiness to erase the feelings of never ending suffering off of your chest. Go to get a bike, climb a mountain, go on dates, say I love you to the one you love and more importantly talk to your parents. You will beat yourself up all year for not talking to them more often, and it will hurt to see how close everyone else is with their family, and you aren't, Don't just sulk about it, actually call Mom and Dad and tell them you love them and miss them. Tell them they are the best parents in the world because they actually are. I promise you, you will feel so much better after you talk to them and actually have real conversations with them instead of fighting them every step of the way because you are too busy still putting up this façade of not feeling anything. You will feel the most at home at these points.
You will make mistakes, you will fall, you will cry, you will be lonely, you will sulk, you will have no true friends at some point, however, don't let that define you, Just like everything else you will rise from the ashes and you will be wholesome again. And you will find true friends in the most unexpected people, start to value your parents again, start being confident again, even fall in love again with the most amazing softball player and start to write again. And then you will finally be something that you haven't been for years: happy.
