No matter how many times certain people have told me they love me growing up I have struggled to believe it. Their actions never showed me that they truly cared about me or really loved me. Instead, I felt like they were obligated to care about me and loved me because they had to.
Unfortunately, this has impacted me greatly in my adult friendships and relationships. I have the hardest time believing that people want me around, care about me or even love me in the case of some relationships.
When people tell me, they love me or care about me oftentimes I simply don't believe them. Until someone proves repeatedly that they do care. It has cost me relationships and friendships because I get called needy or clingy.
It's not that I'm needy or that I'm clingy. I just need reassurance people are going to do what they say and that they aren't going to leave me in the dirt when I no longer benefit them.
It hurts me deeply that the first thing I think of when I try to contact someone, and they don't return my call or text for a day or two that they're never going to get back to me. I was used to only being talked to when it's convenient for that person.
There is a lot of pain in my heart caused by feeling like a burden to my loved ones. The biggest response when I talk about this or elude to feeling uncared for is, "They love you, it's just they don't know how to show it."
Another response is, "they didn't mean it like that." Why would someone say something they don't mean? How can people say things they don't mean? If they didn't mean it the thought would have never popped into their head.
I'm trying to not think of the people who make me feel bad and focus on the people in my life who do show that they care about me. I don't take for granted the people who stick by my side and constantly show me they truly care about me just like I care about them.