Hi. So... I'm awkward. I don't mean "awkward" as in the charming, slightly quirky individual who charms everyone with his/her misinterpreted social cues and hilariously ill-timed laughter. I mean in the gut-wrenching, I-want-to-crawl-into-a-hole-and-die awkward.
I have the unfortunate pleasure of being friends with people who are so socially adaptable that they could charm a rock. Meanwhile, I usually sit in the corner at a party wondering why on earth people keep trying to talk to me when I clearly have no social skills whatsoever. When I do manage to strike up a conversation with a fellow party-goer I usually leave said conversation thinking "I am the most idiotic person alive. I cannot believe I said that. This is why I like dogs."
It takes a lot of effort and an extreme amount of horrendously awful social encounters to plateau at the level of social awkwardness that I have acquired: Aco-Taco. To see if you too have acquiesced this title, see the below steps on how to become an Aco-Taco.
Step One: The Wave and Ignore
Oh my goodness it's such a wonderful day outside. My outfit is great, my headphones are in and the sun is out. Oh my gosh I see Trish! Oh my god, hi Trish! *waves in a wide arc back-and-forth really fast* Annndddd she doesn't see me. Now I look like an idiot. Quick, hide face in phone and pretend that nothing happened.
Step Two: The Classroom Blunder
Okay, first day of class. It can't be that bad, right? No one else wants to be here. Maybe I'll get lucky and no one will talk to me. Whoa.. I really should've washed my hair today. Too late now. Wait.. What? Is this person.. Sitting next to me? Doesn't he see that there is a whole auditorium full of seats? Why next to me? Oh god.. He spoke. He actually spoke to me. Quick think of words. "Uh.. h-h-hey." Great. Now he's going to think that I'm mentally challenged. I cannot believe I stuttered. I might as well pull a Shia LaBeouf and put a bag over my head.
Step Three: The Trip
I cannot believe that my roommates made me wear these fancy shoes out. What is wrong with flats? Sandals? Anything other than heels? Annnddd there's the pothole. And there's my face hitting the asphalt. Okay, stand up, no one saw. Except that group of extremely hot men across the street. Who are shirtless. Playing football. Laughing. I'm just going to go pick out my gravestone now.
Step Four: Hug
Okay, she's going in for the hug. I'll do it too, she's so sweet! Reaching arms out... oh, okay nope. She wasn't going in for the hug. Now it's awkward. Annddd now I'm just hanging here, looking like an idiot. Cool.
Step Five: The Party Foul
Okay, I'm just going to stand in this corner and hope no one notices me. I have my beer and my phone. My friends are drunk but they can still walk. All is good. Wait... Oh god. Someone is approaching me. He looks like he's going to talk to me! Quick, act like you see something in the corner and run.
Step Six: The Passerby Smile
Walking.. walking.. almost home. Everything's good, you didn't even trip today! Oh god, that guy walking up is cute. Holy cow. Wait... He just waved. And... did he just smile at me? Maybe I've met him before. I probably have! Oh I'll totally smile and wave back. "Hi!" Okay... now he's looking at me like I'm psycho.. Annndddd he just hugged the guy who was walking behind me. Okay then, that's cool too.
Step Seven: The Flirt Fail
Conversation is going great! He's talking to me, we're totally vibing. This is great! I haven't messed it up! Okay... Now he's full-on flirting. I can do this. Okay.. He asked me what I like, he winked at me! "Uh.. I like pineapples." Okay.. Now he's looking at me like I'm a science experiment. Anddd he's walking away. I guess he doesn't like pineapples.
