I’ve been through my fair share of job interviews (three) and there are a few things I’ve learned along the way that I attribute to succeeding in all three of them. No matter how much job experience you have, how great your resume is, or if you’re wearing your lucky underwear, if you do these things there’s almost no way you won’t be hired.
First and foremost, brush your teeth. Some people would recommend doing it beforehand in order to freshen your breath and remove any unruly mess that might be hiding in those crevices, but I say do it first thing when you walk in. Brushing your teeth in front of your potential employers shows them that you care about personal hygiene, you’re comfortable around them, you’re dedicated to personal hygiene, you’re confident in your smile, you enjoy personal hygiene, you own a toothbrush, and you potentially floss. There’s nothing employers like more than gums that don’t bleed, that’s for sure.
Secondly, I recommend reading up on politics. There’s nothing that eases the tension and puts everyone at ease during a job interview better than a light conversation about police brutality or abortions. Other talking points I recommend being well-versed in include: The Middle East, Global Warming, Texas, the phrase “Lock her up,” the wage gap, gay marriage, the Pope, Jesus Christ, Sudoku, Vladimir Putin, North Korea, the weather, Donald Trump, Tronald Dump, Trinidad James, James Earl Jones, Earl Grey tea, and the East India company’s trade embargo of 1638. If you memorize all the possible facts related to these highly important subjects and influential aspects of American history, then there’s almost no way your future employer won’t be impressed with your broad spectrum of knowledge and want to hire you.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I recommend being a white male. There’s nothing an interviewer likes more than a white male. White men are perfect, they already know everything, they're always right, and have this air of over-confidence, arrogance, and most importantly, entitlement that is exactly what employers are looking for, especially when the employer is their white male father. If you aren’t a white man, I recommend becoming one, but if that’s not possible, then at your next job interview I recommend being confident, gracious and hilarious. Granted, that mainly just works if you’re a white man; if you’re a woman then they’ll think you’re an overbearing jerk, and if you’re not white then they’ll smile and nod and then feel good about themselves for interviewing you.
Honestly that’s it. That’s all I’ve got for you. If you can, write “I AM A WHITE MAN” on your resume, that’s what I do. I’ve been told it brings an air of mystery and intrigue to the whole hiring process. It can’t hurt; even if you aren’t a white man, maybe they’ll think you meant on the inside, and since most employers are all about motivational speeches and believing in yourself, they’ll buy into that one. Congratulations, you now know the steps necessary to totally ace any job interview, now go google Trinidad James.
