Accepting That I Have Panic Disorder For This Current Season Of My Life

This post is very personal, and I was hesitant to write about this. But, I need to put it out here because my feelings matter, and I am not alone.

I remember the first time I had a panic attack. I was on my couch watching a video, and all of a sudden I went to go take a shower and I could feel my bones start to become weak, my mind felt like it wasn't in the full moment, and I got the urge to escape and catch my breath.

I called my sister immediately telling her I didn't know what was happening but I was shaking, I felt like couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to pass out, and I was crying and hyperventilating so hard for no reason. I didn't have any control over anything and I felt like I was having a heart attack. And that's when she told me it was a panic attack. It lasted for a good 10-15 minutes and then my body felt back to normal.

But let me tell you, these attacks take SO much out of you.

I remember thinking I was dying. And there came the panic, racing thoughts, wanting someone to be there, and saying goodbye to the life I was living.

I had panic attacks once a month, and sometimes they came up different. This then caused my mind to be tricked into thinking "this time it was different." Until one month it became so bad in having them more than once, and it came in some form every day that I actually had to do the unthinkable and call that three-digit number for help and assurance that this was just a panic attack.

Now, you might be thinking what is so bad in your life that you are having panic attacks? What is going on? And honestly, that's a question I have yet to figure out. But deep down it's a whole bunch of crap. It's like when you grab sand from the lake and you find you have to add more to have it fall from your hands. Meanwhile, mine is more than another handful, it feels like it's the biggest pile of weight I am lifting up to carry and let it fall from my hands.

And, all I can say it comes to one word, and that is "Life." My body creates this sensation of wanting to escape and makes it a real moment my body goes crazy at any time, day, or moment. They say sometimes a panic attack can mimic a heart attack and what it feels like. Which is not fair because I get into thinking the doctors missed something when diagnosed with "panic disorder."

As I say, why is this all happening to me now? Or why can't my body freak out in another way? However, I think that's where repression comes in and soon the water kept filling and it turned to a boil. So, sometimes I think there's no way around it. Maybe my body secretly reacts to stress, trauma, pain, and old things I still haven't accepted in a brand new way. And it's something I have to accept and understand that this is a process.

However, it is confusing when it just happens out of the blue and you are like "I don't feel anxious or anything, but my body is reacting in so many ways... why?" I feel as if sometimes it's hard to win and I just want to have this gone and go back to not having to deal. But, as we all know repression is a ticking time clock, you can only repress so much until it just bursts. As I mentioned the metaphor above.

I never thought Panic Disorder would be apart of my journey. But maybe this had to happen to finally find my voice that has been hidden for so long.

To be continued.