Accepting That I Have Panic Disorder For This Current Season Of My Life

Accepting That I Have Panic Disorder For This Current Season Of My Life

All I can say it comes to one word, and that is "life."


This post is very personal, and I was hesitant to write about this. But, I need to put it out here because my feelings matter, and I am not alone.

I remember the first time I had a panic attack. I was on my couch watching a video, and all of a sudden I went to go take a shower and I could feel my bones start to become weak, my mind felt like it wasn't in the full moment, and I got the urge to escape and catch my breath.

I called my sister immediately telling her I didn't know what was happening but I was shaking, I felt like couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to pass out, and I was crying and hyperventilating so hard for no reason. I didn't have any control over anything and I felt like I was having a heart attack. And that's when she told me it was a panic attack. It lasted for a good 10-15 minutes and then my body felt back to normal.

But let me tell you, these attacks take SO much out of you.

I remember thinking I was dying. And there came the panic, racing thoughts, wanting someone to be there, and saying goodbye to the life I was living.

I had panic attacks once a month, and sometimes they came up different. This then caused my mind to be tricked into thinking "this time it was different." Until one month it became so bad in having them more than once, and it came in some form every day that I actually had to do the unthinkable and call that three-digit number for help and assurance that this was just a panic attack.

Now, you might be thinking what is so bad in your life that you are having panic attacks? What is going on? And honestly, that's a question I have yet to figure out. But deep down it's a whole bunch of crap. It's like when you grab sand from the lake and you find you have to add more to have it fall from your hands. Meanwhile, mine is more than another handful, it feels like it's the biggest pile of weight I am lifting up to carry and let it fall from my hands.

And, all I can say it comes to one word, and that is "Life." My body creates this sensation of wanting to escape and makes it a real moment my body goes crazy at any time, day, or moment. They say sometimes a panic attack can mimic a heart attack and what it feels like. Which is not fair because I get into thinking the doctors missed something when diagnosed with "panic disorder."

As I say, why is this all happening to me now? Or why can't my body freak out in another way? However, I think that's where repression comes in and soon the water kept filling and it turned to a boil. So, sometimes I think there's no way around it. Maybe my body secretly reacts to stress, trauma, pain, and old things I still haven't accepted in a brand new way. And it's something I have to accept and understand that this is a process.

However, it is confusing when it just happens out of the blue and you are like "I don't feel anxious or anything, but my body is reacting in so many ways... why?" I feel as if sometimes it's hard to win and I just want to have this gone and go back to not having to deal. But, as we all know repression is a ticking time clock, you can only repress so much until it just bursts. As I mentioned the metaphor above.

I never thought Panic Disorder would be apart of my journey. But maybe this had to happen to finally find my voice that has been hidden for so long.

To be continued.

Popular Right Now

To The Girl Struggling With Her Body Image

It's not about the size of your jeans, but the size of your heart, soul, and spirit.


To the girl struggling with her body image,

You are more than the number on the scale. You are more than the number on your jeans and dresses. You are way more than the number of pounds you've gained or lost in whatever amount of time.

Weight is defined as the quantity of matter contained by a body or object. Weight does not define your self-worth, ambition or potential.

So many girls strive for validation through the various numbers associated with body image and it's really so sad seeing such beautiful, incredible women become discouraged over a few numbers that don't measure anything of true significance.

Yes, it is important to live a healthy lifestyle. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself. However, taking care of yourself includes your mental health as well. Neglecting either your mental or physical health will inflict problems on the other. It's very easy to get caught up in the idea that you're too heavy or too thin, which results in you possibly mistreating your body in some way.

Your body is your special, beautiful temple. It harbors all of your thoughts, feelings, characteristics, and ideas. Without it, you wouldn't be you. If you so wish to change it in a healthy way, then, by all means, go ahead. With that being said, don't make changes to impress or please someone else. You are the only person who is in charge of your body. No one else has the right to tell you whether or not your body is good enough. If you don't satisfy their standards, then you don't need that sort of negative influence in your life. That sort of manipulation and control is extremely unhealthy in its own regard.

Do not hold back on things you love or want to do because of how you interpret your body. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are more than your exterior. You are your inner being, your spirit. A smile and confidence are the most beautiful things you can wear.

It's not about the size of your jeans. It's about the size of your mind and heart. Embrace your body, observe and adore every curve, bone and stretch mark. Wear what makes you feel happy and comfortable in your own skin. Do your hair and makeup (or don't do either) to your heart's desire. Wear the crop top you've been eyeing up in that store window. Want a bikini body? Put a bikini on your body, simple.

So, as hard as it may seem sometimes, understand that the number on the scale doesn't measure the amount or significance of your contributions to this world. Just because that dress doesn't fit you like you had hoped doesn't mean that you're any less of a person.

Love your body, and your body will love you right back.

Cover Image Credit: Lauren Margliotti

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

Tanya Gold, Your Fatphobic Article Is Uneducated And Arrogant

BREAKING NEWS: Women come in all different shapes and sizes!


Just recently, Nike released a plus-size mannequin at one of their stores in London that showed off their plus-size leggings and sports bra. And, because we live in a world where being fat or overweight or obese is somehow the worst thing in the world to some people, this has sparked a lot of discussion.

Tanya Gold wrote an article for The Telegraph saying that this mannequin “cannot run" and is “likely pre-diabetic" and “on her way to a hip-replacement." Not only is Tanya's article uneducated and poorly written, it's completely fatphobic and embarrassing.

What I would like to know is this: why can't plus-size women work out in Nike clothes just like a size 2 woman? People want to scream from the rooftops that plus-size women are fat because they don't exercise and when companies FINALLY start catering to plus-size women with clothes they can EXERCISE IN, people lose their minds and think that they're promoting obesity.

What are plus sized women supposed to work out in if they can't even wear Nike leggings without being fat-shamed?

Would you rather them wear jeans? Overalls? A parka, maybe? What about a garbage bag?

Let's also discuss the fact that being overweight doesn't equal being unhealthy, just like being at a “normal" weight doesn't make you healthy. Did you ever stop to think that some women have diseases that make them gain weight that they, in return, can't lose? Some women can eat salad for every single meal, seven days a week and they still can't lose weight.

Let's all say this together: SIZE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FITNESS. Being thin doesn't equal being healthy and being overweight doesn't equal being unhealthy.

Everyone (and yes, I mean EVERYONE) should be able to be comfortable in their own skin AND in their clothes.

You can't sit and pout saying that fat people don't care about their health and then when they want comfortable clothes to wear while they're EXERCISING, hell has frozen over and how dare Nike cater to people who aren't a size 2.

Tanya, be honest with yourself. You aren't anywhere near a size 2, either, so where is all of this coming from? Are you self-loathing? Do you have some kind of internal fatphobia?

Pick a side, Tanya. You can't hate people who are overweight because you think that they aren't exercising and then when they do exercise and they get clothes that cater to them, it's all of the sudden wrong and horrible.

We are damned if we do, damned if we don't. As if women (and men) weren't already being shamed enough for being plus size, we're now being made to feel bad because a brand caters to our size so we can wear the same clothes all of the other sizes can wear.

Thank you, Nike, for making your brand more inclusive for all shapes and sizes so we can ALL feel confident in our clothes.

I think it's worth mentioning that Nike released their plus-size line in 2017 AKA 2 years ago... Why weren't you mad then?

Oh, and, Tanya Gold, you might want to stop smoking since you're all about being healthy, right? You don't want to get lung cancer or anything, do you?

Related Content

Facebook Comments