I am a 19-year-old Asian American who has lived in the United States her entire life, constructed by American institutions, and reconstructed by an Indian household. Since becoming an adult, I have begun the journey every first-generation American goes through.

Am I more Indian than American?

Or am I more American than I am Indian?

Do I have to choose?

Does it matter what I choose if people see me the way they want to see me?

Raised in the American education system, I spent much of my childhood proving my Indianness to my parents, family members, and community. Now I find myself in a university surrounded by different people of different cultures. Yet our most enjoyable moments together are those when we bond over things unique to American culture when we understand American references and jokes about our similar American childhood.

That feeling of unity between my friends and classmates has left me with a yearning to accept my American self, to acknowledge the impact it has on me. I yearn instead of simply doing because it's not easy to accept something you've been consistently challenging your entire life.

There is the fear deep down that by accepting my Americanness, I am disowning my Indian roots. The world has never before been so split by boundaries, literal and figurative. And every decision I make is choosing something over another. I will spend the rest of my life maintaining the balance between Indian and American, which is much harder than simply choosing one and following that path.

In addition to my personal fears, there are external fears that hover over my head. How can I embrace being American when certain forces in this country deny my existence and, more importantly, my right to be American and Indian at once?

Trump has denied me the pride of being American, has given me shame among Indians who see my Americanness as me joining the white oppressor. I was born here without my choice, and yet I cannot be proud of my birthplace? I cannot feel the ties that one feels with their homeland?

This is because as much as America is my home, it increasingly isn't.

I embrace my Americanness because it's innately me, I cannot give Trump the satisfaction of me denying myself this when he already does. If anything, Trump has been the cause for my embrace of America within me. He has shown me that the values of freedom, opportunity, and equality are distinctly American values I hold dear — and I will fight for them even as he tries to take them away from me.