"Be a leader, not a follower." I heard these words so many times growing up from my dad. I would get so annoyed that he would give me long, detailed lectures on how I should be myself, not follow the crowd, and so on. Well me being my pre-teenager self was not all too interested in this and would have loved to skip these talks. However, at 19 years old I now realize that the simple six phrase statement my dad had been saying all those years eventually helped me when it came to becoming who I am today.
Throughout middle school and early years of high school, I wanted so desperately to fit in. To succeed in this, I wore name brand clothing, listened to mainstream music, followed various trends, and just overall tried to be "cool". For a while, this was all working out for me. I had a rather large group of friends, obtained a socially acceptable amount of likes on my posts on social media, and was overall happy. However, heading into my junior year of high school, things changed. At this point, I had been through some rough moments with loss in my family and mental health. At this time, I had been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I was in therapy weekly to combat these issues, so going to school was quite a challenge for some time. During these difficult instances, I turned to things that I found comfort in such as dance, poetry, and most importantly music. Music however, was the one thing during this time that I truly felt connected with. Like I said before, growing up I passively and mindlessly listened to the radio and popular hits of the time. However now I was entering into an experience that I never thought would impact me significantly.
One day I was sitting at my usual lunch table having a particularly rough day. I was not really engaging in the ongoing conversation, but instead listening to some music. When one person in particular looked over at my phone and saw the song, she asked me what it was. I then gave her an earbud and allowed her to take a listen. The reaction I got from her was one that to this day I believe partially sparked my mindset to not care as much about how people view my genuine likes and interests. The reaction was negative and very combative in my eyes. When the rest of the table found out I wasn't listening to what they all liked they automatically judged me and questioned my music taste. Proceeding the initial music questioning, they then commented on how depressed I had looked lately and decided that that was the reason why I was into the different music. Instead of asking if I was okay, they resorted to judgement and pushing me due to being uncomfortable. At this point in time I felt lost and displaced and slowly began to stray away from social norms because they just did not matter to me anymore. Ever since that day, I slowly began to try and surround myself with people who were more open minded and accepting of new or different things.
Following this, I slowly began to try and find myself. There were many things I had to try and accept, and that started with my mental health issues. My wonderful therapist had been helping me for a long time to even admit out loud that I was dealing with a mental illness and it was okay. Since then, I have been trying to become an advocate for the mental health community. I believe that mental health needs to be openly talked about because the lingering stigma in society makes it increasingly difficult for individuals to find acceptance. Along with struggling to accept those issues, I was also trying to become more comfortable with my new tastes in music, clothing, books, and political and moral views. During my senior year in high school, I finally opened my mind more to what was going on in the world. Instead of just hearing what people around me were saying, I began to do research for myself and formulate my own opinions. While taking an environmental science course that year, I learned much about animal agriculture and the horrors and injustices within the industry. From there I made the decision to go vegetarian which was a whole journey in itself that ultimately felt so freeing for my soul. While many people disagreed with that decision and made fun of me for it, I did not seem to care anymore like I might have a year earlier. Because of this I also became more confident in voicing my political views to people who disagreed with me, and that in itself feels amazing. This was yet another stepping stone in becoming who I am today, and another instance that I felt helped me with being more content with myself.
Poetry and nature were two other things that I feel played a part in becoming who I am, but again I somehow seemed to be judged for it. At this point though I did not care anymore because I finally felt content with myself for once. I find there to be such beauty in nature, so therefore I like to go hiking a lot and try to surround myself with people who share that same interest as well. There are just some days that I want to get away from the world and I find that these two things can really help achieve that goal in a healthy way.
I guess the message I am trying to get across here is to be yourself as much as you can. I understand that it can be extremely difficult to do that in certain situations, but I feel that the more at peace you are with your mind, body, and soul, the better off you will be. Try new things, take a chance on something, step outside of your comfort zone, be spontaneous. Be yourself and if you don't like something then take the necessary steps to change that and better yourself. Like my dad has always said "Be a leader, not a follower."
