I have thought about writing this letter for a long time now, but I'm just now able to get all of my thoughts together and do it. I will never forget that day, the coroner showed up at our house and he told me "I'm so sorry, but he is deceased." I remember that I started crying before the words fully processed in my brain. You promised me you wouldn't hurt yourself, you promised me you would get the help you needed. The week of your death is still to this day a blur, making arrangements, the funeral, the burial, cleaning out our house to move back home with my family.
I'm not sure how I got through it, but somehow I did. I made it through the meltdowns, the fake family members, the over the top ceremony, I made it. People asked me if I knew you were going to do it, and asked why I didn't get help. I asked myself these same questions over and over again in my head, trying to figure out if I could've stopped it somehow. The weeks before your death I watched you become a shell of the man you once were. We fought constantly, you weren't yourself and hadn't been for a long time. I tried to help you, I tried so hard to help you fight the demons your were facing. At the end of the day I wasn't enough to save you. There was so much damage, damage that was done to you long before we met, it was deeply rooted inside you.
It has taken me a long time to accept this, and let go of my guilt. I have gone through every emotion possible these last several months, trying to process losing you and trying to rebuild my life without you. We are all trying to keep your memory alive, but it is so hard to think about you. You and I weren't perfect, and we didn't have a fairytale relationship, but we were completely in love with each other. We knew we would be together forever, but I didn't expect for forever to be cut short.
To be honest I don't even remember who I was before I met you, you changed me and helped me grow, because of you I am better in every way. I know that true love exists because of you, and I know that I will never settle for less than that. You showed me that I am worthy of true love, and made me see the beauty in myself that I had forgotten was there. People who knew us as a couple, really knew us, probably think I am crazy right now for saying we were really in love. We weren't always nice to each other, and sometimes we were made each other crazy, but no matter what we wanted each other. I don't know if I will ever have this kind of love again, but if I don't I will be okay. We had more love in our short time together than some people have in a lifetime together.
When I think about you and the memories play in my head, I get really happy and can't help but smile. Then, I get really sad, because you're gone. I will never hear you lecture me about money again, or watch you dance through the house to the music blaring from your speaker while you clean. We won't have anymore thrift store days together, or lazy Sundays. There won't be a wedding day for us, or little versions of ourselves playing in the front yard on a sunny afternoon. Our life together ended before it really even started.
For a long time I was angry with you, and almost everyone. Some days I still am, but I am slowly accepting things. Then there are days where it feels like a bad dream, like it isn't real. To me these days are the hardest because it's as if you're gone on vacation, and you will be back anytime now. When you never return, it hits me all over again, it's like losing you all over again. We are all doing our best to move forward and live our best lives because we know that's what you want us to do. Our lives have gone on, but our hearts still hurt.
We all have our days when something happens in our life and the first thing we do is pick up the phone to call and tell you about it. Then we feel our heart break a little because we remember that you won't be answering our call, that we can't come to you for advice or when we need to laugh. We are doing our best but we are not okay without you here. There will always feel like something is missing in our life, because there is. There's someone missing, you. I will love you for the rest of my life, and I will never forget everything you showed me.
There are people out there who don't and will never understand our relationship. To them it was toxic, abusive, and draining, Some people might even say our relationship is what caused you to pull the trigger that day, that our relationship is what broke you. It doesn't really matter what people think, because I know with all of my heart, despite our issues, we were in love. I loved every part of you, the broken ones, the scary ones, the twisted ones, the selfish ones. I loved all of you for who you were, I would've done anything to stop you from doing this, to save your life. Your death was a tragedy, and it still weighs heavy on my heart. I am getting through this with the help of your amazing friends, not all of them were amazing, but you have a couple that have never left my side. They have become my amazing friends, and we help each other through the bad times.
Our lives will never be the same without you. Your bright smile, goofy hair, obsessive need to help everyone, and your kind heart will forever be missed. I planned on spending the rest of my life with you, and even though that didn't happen I can promise that I will love you forever and I will always fight for you. I am sorry if I didn't fight hard enough to keep you alive, if I let you down in any way.
You were too good for this world, the world kept on taking and you kept on giving until you had no more to give. It left you empty and broken. I will make sure that you live on in our hearts and you get the respect you deserve. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. People try to make me feel better and say the cliche things like "he is in a better place" or "he will always be with you". While those things may be true they don't take away the pain in my heart, they don't change the fact that you aren't here anymore. I hope that you have found the peace you so desperately wanted and couldn't find in life. We miss you. I miss you.
Love forever,
Your honey bunny
