A Letter To The Grandfather I Wasn't Ready To Lose

I miss you. Everyday it gets a tiny bit easier to accept the fact that you're gone. Everyday it gets easier to think about the fact that you're not sick anymore. I know you would be mad if you saw the tears that come down my face every now and then. I know you would make some snarky comment about showing weakness. The fact of the matter is, I am weak. The holiday season just isn't the same without you. I went to Boston yesterday, walked all around, danced under the twinkling Christmas lights. There was a part of me however, that was empty. A hole that I just wasn't able to fill. Longing for something that was just out of reach.

You. It took me all day to realize that you were the empty hole. I'm not going to get a hug come Christmas morning. Or a kiss with your old man scruff scratching my face. There won't be any lobster stew around the dinner table. I realized I wasn't going to hear you groan on and on about how much make-up my sisters and I are wearing. You won't lecture my mother about her swearing.

I try to think about all of our good times, all of our laughs. I try so hard not to think about when you were sick, seeing you in the hospital. I try to be positive about our time together on Earth. But sometimes I think about my future, my future without you. You will never be able to meet the man I marry. You won't be able to tell me I shouldn't be dating or that the man I'm dating isn't good enough. You won't meet my children, or be there for my college graduation.

I carry you with me. Every day at work I think about the care that I pray you were given your last week on this Earth. I pray that I can give my patients the care I wanted you to have. I treat them the way I wanted you to have been treated. If things are stressful and I feel myself breaking, I think of you to be strong. When things go well, when I do something right, I get comfort in the fact that I know you were there. You saw me, you're proud of me. God, I hope you're proud of me.

I'm not mad at you, not anymore at least. I was, for the longest time I was mad at you. I was told I had two years with you. I had two years to make a life time of memories. Two years to prepare for losing someone so important to me. Two years to learn how to say "goodbye". But in less than six months you were gone. Just like that, taken from me. You told me one more Christmas, we talked about it. You said you would be there for one more Christmas. Last time I check Christmas didn't come in September.

Know that I love you. You have taught me so many life lessons. Without you, I will always feel a hole inside of me. I will try to be strong, but know I am weak at times. A life that's been loved is a life that'll be missed. You were my favorite grumpy old man. There isn't a single day I won't miss you for all that you are.

Until we meet again my friend. XOXO.