Days, weeks and months you've spent lodged into my brain. For some reason I can't get you out. You've dug your hole so deep, the thought of us has been embedded in my head since the moment I first saw you. It's been a struggle to come to terms with your decision, your decision not to like me back, but I need to learn to accept it and move on. Months later, I'm struggling even worse, daily, even hourly. You never leave my mind. The thought of us being together plays over and over, I believe there is something between us, something more then you think.
Let me start with this. I have no anger or resentment toward you. I respect every aspect of your decision. It is clear to me that what we have is nothing more then a friendship and what I believe is something more could be a figment of my imagination. I am grateful for the friendship we have. You've given me a best friend when I needed one most. I believe we were meant to cross paths. You and I needed each other, we clicked. At the time you came into my life I was fragile and hurting. I was naive and clueless about your intentions with me. How could someone like you want to be with someone like me? The first night we spent together had me fooled. The more we hung out, the deeper and deeper I fell. Spiraling into a hole I knew was going to be a bitch to get out of. The more times we went a little to far, the more naive I became.
The next part was the hard part, learning the truth. The truth I needed to hear but I wish it wasn't true. The words you said about me to others cut through me like a knife. The hours I spent in my room crying felt endless. I knew I would never be enough for you. The best i could be wouldn't ever be good enough for you. That broke me.
Our friendship has still stayed stronger then ever. It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you've forever changed me and given me more to aspire for. A curse because how was I going to move on when the late nights were spent with you until the early mornings? I still believe you and I have a connection, a special one at that. You protected me when I was scared, held me when I cried and helped me up when I was down. Why would you do that for me? Did you like me? Did you have feelings for me? These thoughts teased my imagination, created a thought I believed was true. The thought we had something. We created memories in your little dorm room that could mean absolutely nothing to you but mean the world to me. I'd do anything to get those days back. It's hard for me to hear about you doing so well, moving forward with your life while I'm stuck in this never ended spiral standstill. I wish i was doing so well. I've learned to keep my distance which only hurts me, because all I want is you. All I want is us.
Now you've moved on. It hurts me to see it. You're both happy together, most of the time. How I wish I was the one that was making you consistently happy. I've seen how she hurts you, the nights you'd confide in me about what you're going through, that killed me, you didn't deserve any of that. You deserve the world, the world I want to give you. The nights she tried to rip our friendship apart scared me because I knew I didn't mean even half as much as she does. She wouldn't do the things I'd do for you. But you're happy and thats all I wished for. I hoped she does the things I'd do for you. I hope she brings you joy, love and happiness. I guess I'll have to wait to find another to give my heart too, but I promise you'll always be the one who deserved it.
At night I stay up thinking about why you don't look at me the way you look at her. Why can't I be what you want? What's wrong with wanting to love you? I beat myself up because I know the answer. Physically, I am not enough. If only you'd see I'd never do what she has done to you, you deserve better. When we go on drives I can't help but glance at you and feel like this is how everything is supposed to be. The one person I crave to make happy, is sitting right next to me, why cant I just tell him how I feel? Because I'm afraid of the truth, I can't get hurt anymore. The one person I am desperate to have, wants someone else.
I picture us having a future together, a thought I know has never crossed your mind, but I think about it everyday. My daily goal would be to make every new day with you better. I've never given up on what I wanted before, why should I start now? Well I'll tell you why, I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained from knowing I am not enough. Not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I will never be what you want. You never saw the pain I felt as I listened to you talk about her, but it was there, The heartache crawled over every inch of my body. I craved your attention but you picked her. I'd never hurt you, let you feel alone or abandoned, or let you feel unwanted for a second because I WANT YOU!!!!! I see the amazing person you are, even though you don't see it. I do. I see you as the missing piece to my puzzle, but to you I'm your kid friend. I hate to admit this but I love you. I love every inch of you. I love every weird quirk, bad habit and fun fact. I love the way your hair looks in the morning. I love how passionate you are. I love how much you care about your friends. I love those dad sunglasses you always wear. I love that you're a complete dork. I love how you push me to do better and believe in me. I love how you're not afraid to share your stories with me. Fuck I just love you. But if you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go.
You truly are an amazing person and the only one I want to call mine. To spoil you, hug you, love you. We've been through hell and back together. That helped us grow. I hate seeing you with a broken heart I know I'd never give you. That smile of yours should be seen for miles and I wish i was the reason for it but I will never be. I constantly drag myself down, I thrive on making others happy especially you. But for you I'd have to change myself to become " more attractive." Now you see why I'll never be enough? No matter how many pounds I lose, I cant compete with her. I can't change me, this is me. This is what is not enough. That's what I really need to learn to accept. I need to accept myself and I need someone to love and accept me. Fuck I wish that was you. You mean the world and more to me. i would do anything for us if you'd even give me the chance to do so. If you'd let me make you happy, make you feel wanted and most importantly love you, you'd never question if you were truly wanted on this earth because I would never let you feel that way again. Everyday I'd thank God for you.
But at the end of the day, you're still my best friend. You've seen me at my worst and pushed me through my best. I'm so blessed. You've taken care of me when I needed you and given me friendship I know I couldn't live without now. God knows I'd do anything to have you, but he also knows at the end of the day, all I pray for is your happiness and if it comes from her so be it. I'm writing this with no intention of you ever reading it but to finally express the deep cemented thoughts in my brain onto a piece of paper. At night I crave just one more night with you, one more kiss and one more hug. I picture you doing that with her now, it really fucking hurts. I cry a lot. But as the tears stream down my face and I type and type, I know that you're not happy being mine that's okay. I know you're happy right now. If you ever get your heart broken again I promise I'll be right here to mend the pieces back together. Thats what friends are for right?
I really love you
Forever and always