I am a 24-year-old female, married, non-smoker, rare drinker.
Since my husband and I got married in December, a winter celebration with all of our friends and family, we have been inconsistently trying to get pregnant. Downloading all of the apps and tracking ovulation became disappointing every month when mother nature called once again. In our surprise, when we were least expecting it, we were pregnant.
Upon learning of my miscarriage at eight weeks, I have been in a place that I am unsure of.
I don't know who I am anymore, I'm not sure who my friends are anymore, and I'm not sure how to move on with my life. I have glimpses of what my future could be and what I need to focus on next and in a second, that all vanishes and I am overwhelmed with guilt for creating scenarios to look forward to. The grieving process brings back feelings that were buried in memories attached to the passing of my brother and I am in a nightmare that feels like I am reliving all of it. The feelings of sorrow, loss, anger and guilt are feelings that I am all too familiar with.
I am not the same person I was a week ago, planning my nursery and picking baby names, and she is not the same person she was two months ago. There are feelings inside of me that have morphed my soul yet again, and now I am learning who I am today. I often wonder how my soul can change so frequently and yet I am still unconditionally loved, by my family and my husband.
I cry out in the realization of my body transforming back to its state of caring for only me and not a second life.
I am never alone in the sadness of this time and as I grieve, I do notice who I am grieving with and who is there for me as I become the new version of myself.
So this is what I want you to understand, it will always be a part of me now.
I was in the middle of transitioning into being a mother and I cannot just quickly turn back and be the same young 24-year-old I was not long ago. Miscarriage is something that I hope you never go through. It is excruciatingly painful physically, mentally and emotionally. I have guilt over going to parties, drinking, and all life events that would have been so incredibly different if I was still pregnant or with a child.
However, that does not mean that I no longer wish to be invited to such things.
In times of loss, people would rather not speak at all than go through what they consider the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. I have experienced this in the loss of my brother and during my miscarriage. This happened, don't ignore it or me, but don't make it all I am.
I do not need your protection from the outside world and I don't need everyone hush-hushing people's new pregnancies or births, I accept what happened to me, it doesn't make me less happy for anyone else.
I don't want to be texted about your problems if you're going to act like it's the end of the world because it's not and things could be worse. That being said, if you have juicy gossip or problems, still keep me in the loop, I live for that shit. And lastly, I will be OK.
