A letter to my ex boyfriend,
I don't hate you. No matter how many tears still fall from my eyes, no matter how much fire of hatred burns in my heart.. I still know in my head that i do not hate you. I hate you did to me, what we did to each other, but not you as and individual. I blame myself for being too dependent on someone else for my happiness. I've learned that the only person you can depend on for your happiness is yourself and if you can't do that… if you can't love yourself then how could you possibly give another person the love they deserve. Once you break up with someone at first it does not seem real. You think to yourself a million times a day "this is not real, we may fight but i know we are going to be together in the end." Then days turn into weeks, weeks to months, and then soon enough a year goes by without the person you thought you could never live without. For me, right now in this moment, it has only been three months. Although it has only been a few months it feels like just yesterday I had my heart broken by the person I trusted with my heart the most. I admit, I am in no way innocent. I never wanted to be the jealous girlfriend, the controlling girlfriend, the girlfriend who argued all the time. Had I known our relationship would end that way then maybe a year and a half ago i would have walked away instead of pursuing you. The thing that sucks though is that, that is not how life works. I met you for a reason, we loved each other for a reason, we broke up for a reason. Even though I may need to constantly remind myself of that, even though it hurts like hell everyday it was for a reason. I never wanted to end up in a toxic relationship i just wanted a relationship where we were best friends, and in love all at the same time, and for a while we were… at least i was. This is not like every other relationship where we stayed friends in the end or we had a clean break or we just cut all ties. I became destructive to myself, to you, to everyone around us. I hurt you and myself in ways that i never imagined of doing. I was so hurt and so blinded by anger constantly that i never stopped myself from realizing everything i was doing was wrong. I payed the consequences for that and I learned my lesson. I take responsibility for why you hate me because had the situation been reversed I would have hated you too. To say I am the only guilty one is not fair to me though, trust me I can not stress enough how much i know i messed up but there are things you have said and done both while we were together (before we broke up) and while we were apart and i was still trusting you to not hurt me or make me look stupid. However, I don't want to play the blame game anymore because at the end of the day none of it matters. We can hate each other, we can love each other, we can never think or speak of each other ever again. In fact, we can even act like neither of us ever existed… or at least you can. I choose to remember our relationship as peaceful and happy. I choose to remember the boy who protected me at all costs, protected my heart, supported me through my family problems, took care of me when i was sick, took care of me when i was getting kicked out of my house, and everything else you did for me. I choose to remember you as the boy who helped me grow and not just as the one who broke my heart. At the end of the day all I have is memories that i savor because the memories make me happy. If one day we grow out of hatred and can look at each other without there being anger and pain in our eyes then it'll happen and it'll happen for a reason. For now, if you read this or even if you don't… I wish you the best and I wish nothing but happiness and success for you. I hope one day we can forgive each other and grow but for now i need to grow by myself and forever take the lessons you taught with me as i grow. Thank you.
Love always,
Your ex girlfriend
