Let’s be honest, you probably don’t even really know what a cocktail is (I certainly don’t), but with this arsenal of cultured verbiage, you will be fully prepared to avoid intellectual embarrassment the next time your boss Mr. Heinberg invites you to the cocktail party his wife is throwing on their yacht.
1. Posh: adj.; exclusive, swank, fancy.
[Ex: “Why, of all the opulent work-related gatherings I have attended in my time, this party is by far the most posh.”]
When you arrive on the deck of the yacht where all your coworkers are gathered, dressed in finery and holding champagne glasses, it is imperative that you make some apt remark regarding the general lavishness of the scene. Effective use of the word posh in this case is sure to win you some brownie points from Mr. Heinberg’s wife.
2. Excellent: adj.; superior, magnificent, outstanding.
[Ex: “Thank you, Mrs. Heinberg, my ornamental lawn peacocks are in excellent health indeed.”]
There is nothing quite like a crisp, shiny excellent to give you an air of confidence. Add in a nice pop of your well-ironed lapel to make it known that you are, without a doubt, in control.
3. Exquisite: adj.; marvelous, delectable.
[Ex: “These spinach and goat cheese tartlets are simply exquisite.”]
You are certainly no food critic, but your boss and his wife hardly need to become aware of that fact.
4. Nertz: exclamation (most effective when paired with monocle and top hat).
[Ex: “Nertz! I just had this suit pressed.”]
Having a non-profane, dignified exclamation on hand is a good strategy for when you inevitably get sauce from the hors d’ouevres on your shirt. The word nertz is so antiquated, it has virtually no real meaning and should therefore be applied liberally to any situation you feel is appropriate.
5. Throw down the gauntlet: v.; to signal the beginning of a standoff.
[Ex: “I am preparing to throw down the gauntlet!”]
At some point during the evening, you will be inexorably compelled to challenge your arch-nemesis Mycroft to a duel in the middle of the dance floor. Where others today might use more modern words like “Come at me, bro!” this phrase is far more sophisticated and will serve to unnerve your opponent.
Furthermore, no duel would be complete without the proper degradation of the opponent and the mocking of his family. As you duel, be sure to sprinkle in the following jibes and insults at your discretion.
6. Saucy knave: n.; cad, scoundrel, miscreant.
[Ex: “Stand and face me, you saucy knave!”]
7. Who’s your daddy?: exclamation.
Not only is this question confusing, it’s also vaguely demeaning and a tad creepy, which will give you the upper hand in any duel.
8. Yo momma joke: taunt.
[Ex: “Yo momma so fat, she could be a mid-eighteenth century French monarch!”]
While some would argue that the yo momma joke crosses the imaginary border between duel-worthy and downright inappropriate, a cleverly arranged one will display your mental dexterity and prove to Mr. Heinberg that you, Master of Opprobium, deserve Mycroft’s sweet parking space.
9. Various fencing terminology.
To further baffle and enrage your opponent, brush up on your fencing terminology so that you can shout things like “Parry! Thrust! Attaque au Fer!” periodically during the duel. Whether the two of you are fighting with foils or fists is of no consequence. Brazen use of fencing terminology is the key to a decorous and intellectually stimulating duel.
Especially if said duel happens to be taking place in the middle of a seaside soiree planned by your own esteemed boss's wife.
