You hop in your Uber, look at your driver, and immediately, a million thoughts thoughts race through your head. Are you normal? Why does it smell weird in here? Will I make it home alive tonight? We've all been on this side of it, but not many of us have been an Uber driver ourselves. Ever wonder what goes through their heads as we hop in their car? Our friends at The Office would like to help us say what your Uber driver may be too afraid to say to you directly or has already said to you before.
1. "My car, my rules."
Your tipsy friend starts playing with the windows, laying across the seats, or pushing all the buttons on the dashboard and within two seconds of the ride, your driver already needs to lay down the law.
2. "I can hear you whispering about me."
You may think your slick, using your indoor voice to judge your driver. Fear not, though, you're not as slick as you may think and your driver can hear every word you're saying, and yes, he even heard you when you told your friend your driver had a "weird old guy smell". Sorry.
3. "I'm surprised you guys found me."
Your driver calls you to tell you he's here. It's loud in the background as you try to tell him you'll be right over. Words slurred, your driver cannot understand a thing you're saying and it is in that moment that your driver begins to question if you will make it to his car or not. A few minutes later, he looks in his rearview mirror and sees your squad stumbling to his car from a distance. He's shocked you made it.
4. "No, I will not sing along to this song with you."
Your driver has put up with just about every one of your requests. He's turned on the heat, lowered the heat, turned on the A/C, and lowered the A/C five times before reaching your destination. He's given you the aux and let you sing your heart out with your friends but joining in on the sing-a-long is where he draws the line.
5. "Your tears mean nothing to me."
Your friend is going off about her night, how she bumped into her ex with a new girl. She's explaining the story to you and oh, here come the water works. She's in hysterics for the entire ride and your driver has just about had it with the why doesn't he love me's.
6. "You deserve better."
Despite what you may think, your driver does have a heart and after listening to your friend's woes, he feels he needs to give her a life talk. He spreads his wisdom and tries to relate to and understand her. He shows compassion and sympathy in hopes your friend will stop crying.
7. "I'll just shut up now."
Your driver has given your friend his best advice and she's still upset. She may have even gotten mad at him for "not knowing anything about the situation" and at this point, your driver has given up all hope. He's decided to stay silent for the rest of the ride.
8. "You throw up, you die."
Your friend has finished crying but now she's looking a little pale. She can't keep her head up and can't slur out a coherent sentence. She mumbles something about not feeling good and suddenly, you feel your driver floor it so he can get to your destination faster because your friend is not throwing up in his car. He has tolerated sing-a-longs, crazy requests, tears, but he will not tolerate throw up.
9. "Hope to never see you again."
Alas, you have reached your destination. You're excited to either get to that party or crawl up in bed, and you thank your driver for his service. Your driver flashes you a polite smile and says, "You're welcome." In reality, though, he's more than happy to have gotten you out of his car, throw up free. He's only happy for a moment, though, as he realizes he'll need to go through this all over again when he goes for his next pick up.
