Nine Things My Dog Would Say If She Could Speak

Nine Things My Dog Would Say If She Could Speak

Ever wonder what your dog is really thinking? I have an idea.

Alexandra Collier

I have always said if I could choose any super power it would be to have the ability to speak to animals. After a few years of being a "dog-mom" to my beautiful border-retriever, Trixie, I have successfully taught her how to bark on command, but that is sadly the closest she will ever come to speaking. She may never say any of these things to me verbally (probably a good thing- that would be a little creepy), but I have an idea or two about what she might say:

1. “Give me your attention. Yes, all of it! How dare you do your homework, pet the cat, use the toilet, or (insert literally any activity that doesn’t involve the dog here)”

Cue the adorable puppy-dog eyes. The nudge of the wet nose, the paw slap. If that doesn't work, she will scootch as close to you as possible, even sit on your lap with no invitation. She means business. In this case, I was sitting too close to the cats, I think I maybe acknowledged their presence once.

2. “Did I say you could stop petting me? No.”

Once they do get that undivided attention, if you stop you’re in trouble. Commence the aggressive nose nudges and paw slaps. In Trixie’s case, she will scootch as close to you as possible, probably lay on your homework, roll around a few times, whatever gets your attention.

3. "Mom, why do you put me in all these weird outfits? Don't you know I'm too big for this?"

Okay, so I know she's not a "lap dog" but I can't resist. She has several outfits, this one being the least obnoxious. I usually get a heavy sigh from her, but she still wears them with a big smile!

4. “Bring me! Bring me! Please don’t leave without me.”

If I could, I would bring her literally everywhere. I even feel guilty going to class or work. Trix, I'm just trying to hustle this degree so I can provide you with a better future!

5. “Please throw! No take, only throw!”

Okay, so this photo really just sums up what it is like to play “fetch” with Trixie. Here she is guarding her tennis ball with her life. As soon as I reach for it, she grabs it. If I give up, she brings it to me and drops it, only to repeat the previous steps. It’s only endearing sometimes. You just can't come between a dog and her tennis ball.

6. “Mom, you should really quit your day job and become a singer!”

I’m not making this up, guys. She loves my singing. She never covers her ears like everyone else does... well, not usually.

7. "What do you mean this isn't my toy?"

After the mourning of many shoes, socks and stuffed animals, I have officially given up on trying to pretend any of my belongings are "mine" anymore. She's too cute to argue with.

8. “I really, really, really missed you. You were gone FOREVER!”

Maybe I was away at college or at work, or maybe I was in the shower. No matter what it may be, she always greets me ecstatically, tail wagging. Her time on earth is so much shorter than mine, so 5 minutes seems like hours and days seem like years. I do my best to keep that in mind and to greet her in the way that she greets me, I don't care how many sloppy kisses that may take.

9. “You’re really weird sometimes, but I love you more than walks and my squeaky pig toy! That’s A LOT!”

I know you do. And I love you more than wine, ice cream and binge watching Netflix. That's A LOT!

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