Losing my mom at 16 threw me into a whirlwind. A girl always needs her mother; the person to hold her when she's crying about boys or the inconveniences of adolescence. There are so many things she won't be able to watch me do, and many other things that I was never able to tell her.
1. I'm going to need you when he breaks my heart.
No amount of tear-soaked pillows and empty ice cream cartons would ever equate to the comfort I would have felt from you. He's going to break me and it'll destroy me as I grow to hate him. You would tell me that hate leads to hate. Forgiving feels much better than holding grudges. You would know that I didn't actually mean all of the destructive words I would say about him. It would make it so much easier to move on.
2. I'll open up soon, I promise.
You pushed me so hard to let people in and make new friends, no matter how scary it was to me. Watching me sit at home, day after day, weekend after weekend, upset you more than it upset me. You knew my potential; you saw it budding within me as my eyes would light up when someone would strike a conversation about movies at a family party. I wasn't meant to be kept up in my room all of the time. In just a few years I will reach my full potential socially. With a group of friends who make me feel more comfortable and wanted than I ever have, my happiness will sky rocket.
3. I'll finally begin to accept myself.
Years spent stuck in my own insecure thoughts has done nothing but destroy my image of myself. I'll soon start to listen when people tell me I'm beautiful. I'll feel warm inside when people tell me I'm talented. I'll start to wear clothes with color and makeup that accentuates my beauty, not hide it. I'll learn that knowing how beautiful you are doesn't make you cocky.
4. None of them really care about me.
Grandma, aunt, uncle, cousin, even brother, view me as nothing more than just your daughter. The birthday cards and the encouraging words are just a front. When you're gone, they will be too. The one who was supposed to stand by me the most and care for me when I needed it will be the first one to leave. The rest will just follow. I'm going to go from having what I believed to be a strong support system to having just a few very special people. I will go from having two siblings to considering myself an only child.
5. You're being selfish.
Many nights were filled with screaming and pleading for you to stop. You quickly jump and say you're so sorry, it'll never happen again. Just a few weeks later we'll end up back in the same spot. Your pain screams out of you for help so often. Even since I was young I've been able to hear it. Your sadness drips out of you and into the glasses that you drink right back down every night.
6. You're destroying yourself.
You're making yourself lifeless. The flame in the rich brown of your eyes has faded out into a dim candle just waiting to be blown out. You've given up. There are so many more years ahead of you that could be spent watching your children graduate high school and getting married. The times spent running around with the little kids that would call you “grandmom” will never come. You won't be able to accompany me on the college tours that will decide my whole future. Dad will say, “I can't help but think that Mom would love to be here right now.” All of the help we try to get for you is just proving to be futile.
7. You're destroying me.
Constant dreams will flood my head and give me reasons to be afraid of falling asleep. Dreams of you taking yourself away and me being terrified to even be around you. It'll be years later and they'll still come. I'll be scared to form close bonds with people in fear that they'll just leave when I need them the most. I'll start to become way too attached to the people that I still do have. There will be nights where someone won't text me back when they say they will, or won't be home at the exact time they told me, and I'll immediately break out in a panic. In my head, everyone will be bond to leave me at some point.
8. After all, we've been through, I forgive you.
You are not doing what you're doing because you want to purposely hurt me. You didn't mean for all of this to happen. You're sad, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people choose to deal with their sadness in the wrong ways. Addiction is a disease that no one decides to fully recognize. Addicts are sick. You're sick. I may have felt unloved and alone for an excessive amount of days, but I know it's not your fault. I know you love me.
9. You'll push me to do my best, even if you're not here.
I'll think of you when I'm filling out college applications. I'll think of you when I'm walking up to the stage during graduation. I'll think of you when I'm struggling in class, “she would be so proud if I did well. I have to push harder.” Even if you're not with me, you'll be cheering me on. I'll look up and talk to you when I need guidance and it seems like nothing will ever get better. When I hear Genesis or “December 1936” by Frankie Valli, I'll smile and know that you should be sitting next to me, singing every word. You will always be one of my biggest fans.
