1. You walk out of your last lecture of the semester on Tuesday and it dawns on you that you’ve finally made it.
You’re officially done with hour-too-long lecture about exotic plants on the bottom of the ocean floor that you could care less about. Every plastic handle surged Uber ride, and crunchwrap supreme has led to this exact moment in time. You text your roommate “It’s showtime” as you change your soundcloud playlist from “study” to “trap.” You know it’s real when the trap remixes are out to play at just 3 p.m. Dead Day Eve is upon is:
2. You wake up at 1:17 p.m. and peel your face off the sticky kitchen floor.
You’re so aggressively hungover that you get physically mad at your Keurig machine for taking too long to brew your coffee. After deleting 122 seconds of incriminating Snapchat stories, you finally pop the plastic wrap off that $200 textbook you bursared back in August. The smell of fresh ink and broken dreams makes you gag as you begin to realize why it’s called dead day.
3. You triple check your D2L calculations and conclude that pulling off a 118 percent on the final to lock in that B for the semester just might not be in the cards for you this time around.
However, for some reason you can get a 38 percent to keep your C. Better luck next time.
4. As you sit in the library you realize that taking 150mg of Adderall might not have been your best move.
You think to yourself, am I actually seeing noises, is this possible? Is that the clock ticking or is that my heart beat? Am I dying?
5. You head to Starbucks before driving to your final.
The employee at Starbucks tells you to enjoy your coffee, to which you reply “you too.” It’s not looking good, but you keep the faith alive. You drive off to your final repeating to yourself over and over ‘I think I can, I think I can…’
6. ... Welp, you couldn’t.
You remember absolutely nothing from the last hour and fifteen minutes of that final, but a blur of eraser shavings, tears, and mouthing “what the f****” under your breath. Oh well, C’s get degrees, right?
7. Your mom calls to ask you how your final went.
You remind her of how lucky you are to have your health and family during the holidays. This backfires and now you’re stuck listening to a ten minute rant about all of the incredible achievements your younger sibling is accomplishing. “Look mom, I know little Lauren is going to find the cure for cancer at the ripe age of 12, but hey I just spent three days in the library, give me a little credit.”
8. Congratulations, the week of hell aka finals is over and it’s finally Christmas break.
You slip on your fuzzy socks and bust out the egg nog because there’s an ABC family Christmas movie marathon and the Grinch is up next.
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9. Your relaxing christmas break is brought to a screeching hault when that little red dot pops up onto your D2L.
Your grades are up. After an hour, and by an hour I mean 3 days, you finally muster up the courage to click that menacing dot. Congratulations, Jimmy, you managed to scrape by with a passing grade. You kiss the head of the porcelain baby Jesus in your living room nativity scene and hop back in bed. Time to rest up for Syllabus week in January.
Special thanks to Jackson Cropper, the second funniest, frattiest kid to Jimmy Tatro. Thanks for helping me write this.
