Fuckboys: we've all dealt with them. They are typically identifiable by their combination of pastel shorts, white Nike mid-calves, and the unmistakable scent of arrogance. But don't let this typical uniform fool you, fuckboys can come in all shapes and sizes. Recently, while struggling to communicate like a functional adult with a boy, my friend resorted to relating fuckboys to babies. It's not totally a bad thing, babies are cute and can sometimes make you laugh, but no one wants to date a baby. That's just weird. Not only do they lack effecitve communication skills, but they are also a lot of work for something that just eats, vomits and poops.
1. They are always taking their clothes off, and you did NOT ask them to.
Much like a baby wearing nothing but a diaper, there's always one fuckboy at a party who is whipping his vineyards shirt above his head and no one asked for it. We know you love your dad bod but we're going ask you to put that way.
2. While we're on the topic, they're both praised for their bodies.
Babies are adorable for their fat cheeks and extra chub (it's called baby fat for a reason!) Thanks to the revolution of our generation, the dad bod, beer bellies are now considered attractive too. (Still waiting for #mombod to trend.)
3. They've both definitely thrown up on themselves at one point.
Please reference any of TFM's Fail Friday for photographic evidence (at your own risk because fuckboys are gross).
4. They both communicate poorly.
Babies cry when they want attention and lack most verbal skills; fuckboys will send you six of these emojis in a row.
Maybe if you're "lucky" it's followed by a "come ova."
5. They both send mixed signals.
Babies will be smiling while quietly pooping their pants, or cry when nothing is actually wrong. F-boys are capable of showing a gilmpse of human decency one day and then ruining it with a "wats up" text at 2 a.m. Both are confusing and slightly disgusting and we really don't have time for it.
6. They both need help dressing themselves.
If not, they end up looking like a sad Easter basket gone wrong. Pastels, like everything, are good in moderation, but there is no reason you need to be wearing three shades of powder blue in one outfit (looking at you too babies). Don't even get me started on that hell-on-earth combination of mid-calves and sperries.
7. Fuckboys and babies both have the potential to hurt women.
Childbirth and emotional damage might not be exactly the same, but having a fuckboy "ghost" you can almost feel like a punch to the gut. But do either of them care? They just want you to leave them alone. Don't worry they'll cry/text you when they're tired/drunk.
8. They both need their own space to sleep.
Ever cuddle with a fuckboy? No, you haven't, because it's actually impossible. Much like a baby in a crib, f-boys are best left to hibernate on their own.
9. They both are too much effort for something that just poops and vomits.
Just like college girls don't have time to foster life, we also don't have time to decipher your emoji hieroglyphics or have in-depth conversations about your "totally sick" dayger that you threw down on Saturday.
