I'll be the first to admit that being a human is kind of one of the coolest things. I mean have you seen these opposable thumb things? Totally rad. However, despite the abundant pros, you might be willing to trade the ability to snap for the carefree life your cat is living right under your nose. Here are just a few reasons that you should really reconsider being satisfied with life as a two-legged creature:
1. You have to make plans for yourself.
For some stupid, definitely-thought-up-by-a-human reason, “productivity” has become the mark of a desirable life. If your schedule isn’t color coded and crammed, you’re probably doing something wrong. Not so in the feline world. I mean, who would have the heart to tell a 20-pound ball of Persian fur to get a life or a job or even a hobby? No one.
2. You can't lay in the sun for hours on end.
Aside from the previously mentioned demand for constant action, you, in your lowly human form, are physically incapable of enjoying what I believe to be the single most enjoyable thing about cathood: infinite sunbathing. If you’ve never seen a member of the feline family enjoying such a luxury, you may have managed to come to peace with the fact that that kind of exposure to the sun’s harmful rays will leave your skin red, peeling, freckled, and wrinkled for decades. But if you have witnessed a kitten in a pool of sunshine, you will realize how human anatomy has majorly ripped you off. Again.
3. A nap every 45 seconds is not acceptable.
As a lowly human, you are only able to access this superpower if you have a disorder such as severe narcolepsy, in which case the good news is that you’re already 11 percent a cat. Otherwise, you have no real excuse to doze off in the middle of that never-ending conference call on a Friday afternoon. If only you had a tail to place over your eyes...
4. The floor is not a suitable dining option.
Adulting is hard, time consuming and expensive. Why not cut a few corners, save a whole lot of soap and take Living Off the Land to a whole new level? Sir Whiskers has been doing it for seven years and has only suffered three major hairball incidents this calendar year.
5. You're responsible for your entire being.
Cats know nothing of this responsibility thing you're stressing over. Smell funny? Someone else’s fault. Have no place to poop? Someone else’s fault. Fridge empty? Someone else’s fault. Got into a fight with the neighbor’s kid again? Someone else's fault. Pooped on the neighbor's kid again? Someone else's fault.
6. You can't demand affection without negative repercussions.
Imagine a world where formalities did not exist. No mandatory small talk, no need to fake interest when the guy from IT is giving a detailed account of The Longest Day He’s Ever Had. Forget memorizing names and a suitable “Welcome to our home” spiel; you saw the woman with the white, fluffy sweater the second she crossed the threshold. And you’ve been waiting to snuggle with it for at least 48 seconds by now. The wait is over, because you are a cat and cats are not bothered by the common courtesies that humans suffer through. Cuddle time is all the time when you're a walking space heater.
7. Only a handful of love languages have been deemed acceptable.
Humans have all sorts of communication issues that have sprouted from the notion that there are five main ways to categorize how we give and receive affection. If you break out of the boxes and offer some sort of variation, people get all confused. But if you were a cat, you could just drop the dead mouse on the doorstep and call it a day. That almost counts as Gift Giving, right? Cats are just trying to get back to the whole “it’s the thought that counts” deal. Simple and authentic, the way it should be.
8. You don't have a socially accepted arch-nemesis.
Cats hate dogs. Everybody knows that. We joke about it. We even made a movie about it. But for some reason, everybody gets all bent out of shape when Dave walks into your kitchen and the hair on your head sticks up, your nails jut out, and you begin howling. Doesn’t everybody know that your people hate Dave’s?
9. "I don't feel like it" isn't a valid excuse for avoiding social interaction.
Sometimes, words don’t cut it, yet humans have become obsessed with this whole Communication Is Key thing and I for one think the cats got it right: never will you find a cat who is too concerned with what you’re going to think about receiving their tail in your face rather than a perfectly articulate response. Do you think cats ever stop and worry about what people will think if they skip their own birthday party because "Grey's" was on? No. They absolutely do not.
