The Ocean City of New Jersey is "America's Favorite Family Resort," as they call it. As a long time "shoobie" from outside Philly, and in my 18 years of going "down the shore" every summer, I have conducted many observations atop Ocean City's most renowned attractions. There's only 138 days until Memorial Day, people, and that means Ocean City, a place where the sights, sounds and smells are unparalleled, is about to get a little more crowded. So here's to the daily quirks and pet-peeves that still make Ocean City the place we love coming back to every summer:
1. The family in front of you walking slower than molasses
You know turtles that walk faster than these people. You never knew a human could possibly walk as slow as the people in front of you. You never knew slow was this slow. The larger the family, the longer the chain of stupid people stretches. You know there's no possibility of breaching this impenetrable wall of slow people other than swerving your body into oncoming traffic and putting your whole life on the line.
2. The late eager beaver runners
Come on, man, it's already 6 p.m. and you need to "go for a quick jog on the boardwalk where the most people can look at me." You see those people, the people who must've coincidentally lost their shirt to a fleet of seagulls at Wonderland without realizing it until they've made their way to Bob's Grill. Let me eat my fudge without feeling bad about myself.
3. The pre-teens hanging out at every single bench at night
You just got your curly fries, they're slowly melting your hands as you scramble to find a bench to set it on. You turn away from the counter only to see, above the sea of pedestrians, every single solitary bench is taken by the same group of kids. It looked like someone copied and pasted the group to every bench on the boardwalk, and almost every kid looks the same: sneakers, high socks, cargo/khaki shorts, any shirt really, and a babyface only a mother could love.
4. People who do not pay attention to the lanes
Did I mention some people don't know how to walk on the boardwalk? But this, this is just baffling. The lane clearly states that it's for bikes and it's before 12 p.m., so I am allowed to ride my bike in that prescribed lane, that just makes sense. Lanes promote organization and some sense of common sense, but when I'm riding my bike to work and I see you "sightseeing" in the bike lane, there are very few things keeping me from running your ass over. There's that and then there's:
5. People who insist on walking through opposing traffic
Stay to your right, people. This is America, you drive on the right side and you walk to your right side, it's really simple. When I'm coming out of the dollar store, and I want to go left towards Wonderland, I go walk straight ahead, yes, that is towards the beach, and then I can go left when I make it to the other side of the boardwalk—common sense people.
6. Seagulls
Seagulls, aka flying rats, spread terror on the entire boardwalk. They're there to steal a little kid's piece of pizza, seemingly scaring them for life in the process, flock and go crazy over an unsupervised bucket of curly fries or just poop on everything—the boardwalk, the beach, your shoulder or the giant gorilla over at Congo Falls. All in all, they're there to ruin your day.
7. Beach Taggers
There are many ways that we all try to hide from these young harbingers of hassle. If you are lucky enough to see them coming toward you, there are two easy ways to dodge them and avoid confrontation: a) Run into the water, hoping they skip your empty spot, or b) become really good at fake sleeping, just grab a towel and look like you're catching some Zs.
8. Driving in general
Between the stupidity of some mindless pedestrians, the lack of parking spots anywhere, especially at Wawa, or the traffic on Bay or West Avenue to get to the bridge, its one of the worst places to drive at. You want to meet up with some friends at Goofy Golf on the boardwalk tonight? Well, too bad, my friend, you're gonna have to park all the way on 12th and Wesley Avenue. Riding a bike, surrey, Segway, unicycle or even one of those golf carts on steroids you can drive on the road, are much better options.
9. The people that set up shop right next to you at the beach when there's plenty of free space.
The equivalent of the guy who decides to use the urinal that's right next to yours, when every other one is open. You just set up your spot. You got your towel, sunscreen, cooler—everything's in place. And then this family decides to set up shop literally three feet from you. The nerve of these people! You even tried to spread all your stuff out, like a security buffer zone, to prevent this from happening. These people are practically sitting on your lap as your try to enjoy what you had left of your beach day.
Ocean City may not be a perfect getaway, it may not have palm trees and drinks with the little umbrellas in them, but it does have the boardwalk and some Manco & Manco pizza. It may have its quirks, its imperfections (i.e. seagulls), but it's a place all locals and shoobies alike love coming back to every summer.
